Dear Diary, Makaka-move on ba ako?

Ten

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

- Khalil Gibran

* * *

Dear Diary,

Ang sarap sarap dito.

Wala akong kailangan isipin, wala akong kailangan gawin... I have all the time in this world to myself.

Pangatlong araw ko na dito sa condo nila tita Janine. They were nice enough to let me use their guest room, and of course, Mae abandoned her room para lagi kaming tabi matulog. She always uses my phone kapag gabi bago matulog para mag laro ng games. Ang hirap tuloy makatulog. Hindi kasi ako sanay sa may ilaw.

Speaking of phone, I put my phone on airplane mode. Bakit? Gusto kong iwasan muna silang lahat. Sila Nikki, si Mike, Macky... Si Lea.. at lalong lalo na si Paolo.

I never even told Nikki that I was going here. Ayokong malaman nila kung san ako nag punta because I just to be alone for a while. To think through my thoughts.

Hindi pa din ako maka-get over sa nangyari netong past few weeks, diary. Simula nung gabing dumating si Lea hanggang sa nangyari dun sa playground...

It was the worst week of my life.

Hindi ko minsan mang naisip na ganun pala kasakit kapag natutunan mo nang mahalin yung isang tao. Oo, masaya nga sya. Kasi may nagpapakilig sayo, may rason ka kung bakit ka ganadong gumising sa umaga, and it's just happy. Pero after a few weeks or months, it'll all crash down.

Even worse kung na attachka.

In my case, I did. And it's hurting like hell. I can't sleep at night because of him. Yes, I lied. Hindi yun dahil sa ilaw na lumalabas sa phone ko tuwing Mae is playing, but it's because everything was still fresh on my memory.

"...She's like a little sister to me."

"Mahal ko si Lea."

"...We need to stop seeing each other for a while."

Ang sakit, diary. Ang sakit. Everytime na naalala ko sya, all that i'm curious about is bakit pa kasi ako na-fall sa kanya? Oo, tama sya. Hindi sya ang may kasalan kung bakit ako nag kaka ganito.

It's all my fault.

I let myself think that he always thinks of me. I let myself think that he's always looking forward to talk to me. I let myself think that he likes me back. I let myself think that... he'll be mine one day.

Pero mali ako.

Everytime I think about it... It's just... I wish na sana hindi nalang sya dumating sa buhay ko. Na sana... Hindi ko nalang sya nakilala. Or even if I did, sana alam ko na na someone's already got him.

I wish I knew everything so I'm not hurting right now.

Pero hindi eh, it's too late na. Mahal ko na sya. Sya na yung laging laman ng isip ko... but I have to admit that within these past few days, unti unti ko nang natatanggap. Unti unti nang pumapasok sa kokote ko na Paolo Flores was just a waste of time.

Funny, I wasted my time na nga, broken hearted pa ako sa huli.

But still, I should be thankful. He did made my summer memorable.

Pero diary, I hope that this would be the last time that I write about him. Sana hindi na masundan. Sana hindi ko na ulit sya makita. Sana hindi ko na ulit sya makausap. And the hardest, sana hindi ko na sya maisip.

Sige, diary. I'll go na. Nag a-aya na si Mae na mag swimming ako with her.

Buti nalang talaga at nandito tong pinsan kong toh. Mahal na mahal ko tong bata na toh. ♥