Dear Diary, Makaka-move on ba ako?

Twenty Six

"Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one's own actions or lack of action."

― Audre Lorde

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"Xander, anong ginagawa mo dito?"

Tanong ni Nikki sa kanya as she opened our door a little, enough to slip her head out while i'm here, hiding like a kid beside the window.

Why do I feel this way?

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto kong gawin. Do I want to talk to him? Do I want to hug him? Do I want... him?

Don't fool yourself, Jessica.

Dahil alam mong yes ang sagot sa tatlong tanong na yan.

"Jessica." Sagot ni Xander. "Gusto kong makausap si Jessica."

Tinignan ako ni Nikki, waiting for my answer. I don't know what to do. Kahit na gustong gusto ko syang kausapin, alam kong hindi dapat.

Bakit?

Kasi... Ayokong lumala yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Kasi... Hindi tama. Kasi kahit na nahuli ko na si Paolo na kasama si Gio, wala pa kaming formal na break up. But do we need one? Kami pa nga ba? Hindi ko alam. Ugh.

Gulong gulo na ako.

"W-wala sya dito." Nauutal utal na sabi ni Nikki kay Xander. I tried to stop her, pero huli na.

Why am I stopping her anyways?

"Putang ina naman." Narinig ko yung pag kalampag nung gate namin na para bang sinipa. "Ilabas mo si Jessica, or else i'll have to fucking destroy this gate."

And that's when I stepped out. Hindi lang dahil sa gate na ayokong masira kundi gawa na rin ng... sarili ko. Hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko. Pero I need to.

Mag-u-usap lang kayo, Jessica. Nothing wrong with that right?

"J-Jessica..." Xander's facial expression soften as I went out and walked towards him. "Jessica, please. Let's talk, please."

I stood in front of him, a metal gate separating us. Ayoko syang papasukin. Not just yet. No, no. I shouldn't at all.

"Aren't you go-"

"Talk." I commanded him. "Ano bang gusto mo?"

"Just please let me in. Please." He held his hand together, pleading. I saw the cigarette between his two fingers pero he quickly threw it away when he saw that i'm looking at it.

I opened the gate and he quickly came in, closing the gate behind him for me. Nag lakad sya papasok sa bahay namin, and I followed him but before pa syang makapasok, biglang lumabas si Nikki.

"Sa ibang araw nalang ako matutulog dito," she said. "Alam kong may mga dapat kayo pag-usapan."

And after she smiled, she was gone from my sight. We went inside, and Xander sat on the couch. Umupo ako sa couch na katapat nung couch na inuupuan nya. I can't manage to sit close to him, or have any contact.

It destroys me.

"Ano bang problema, Jessica?" He asked.

Hindi ko din alam. Ano ba talaga ang problema? Oh yeah, nahuhulog na ako para sa kanya pero hindi dapat. Kasi ano nalang ang iisipin ng iba? Si Paolo... iisipin nya na hindi lang pala sya ang nag iisang nag-gago. Which is true. Pero ugh. Hindi ko maintindihan.

I shrugged, crossing my arms as I look at him. I crossed my legs as well, giving me this... aura.

"Putang ina naman, Jessica." He covers his face with his hands then he slides them down in frustration. "Please fucking tell me what I did."