Dear Diary, Makaka-move on ba ako?

Twenty Four

"All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity are easy. Stay away from easy."

-Scott Alexander

* * *

I woke up sweating.

Damang dama ko yung pawis ko na tumatagaktak sa aking noo, pababa sa mga pisngi ko. A warm, heavy and hard arm embracing me, and breath blowing on my ears. I opened my eyes just to see Xander embracing me close to him, without our clothes on. I slowly rolled to my side so I can face him. Ngayon ko lang na realize na ang pogi din pala ni Xander. I mean, in my ways. I kind of find him attractive now.

Naalala ko nung first time ko syang nakita sa mall. He was really mean to me, and hindi ko talaga aakalain na i'll end up cuddling with that person in his bed. Everything just happened quickly. I know na mali ang ginagawa ko, and yet I keep on doing it.

Is it really worth it? Do I really need to hurt Paolo back? Oo, masakit na makita ko ang boyfriend ko na may kasamang ibang babae sa kama. Given na yun eh. Hanggang ngayon, nag p-play parin sya sa utak ko ng pa-ulit ulit and each time, parang may kumukurot sa puso ko. Pero kailangan ko bang gantihan sya? Do I really need to?

This is so messed up. I am so messed up. I just made everything worse, didn't I? I should've resisted this person beside me. Hindi ko na maibabalik yung kagabi, nangyari na. Oh my god, what was I thinking?

"Ang lalim ng iniisip mo ah," bulong nya sa akin while he smiles. It's the smile of him that I like the most. "You were amazing last n-"

"Hindi eh," I shook my head. Tinanggal ko yung braso nya sa akin at agad akong tumayo mula sa kama. "We shouldn't have done it. This is so stupid of me."

Before I could bend down and pick up my clothes, he takes my wrist and pulls me back in the bed, making me fall over.

"Ano ba, Xander?," I irritatedly pushed him away. "Mali tong ginagawa natin. It's all a big mistake. You should've let me go home last night."

"But you enjoyed it, didn't you?" He asked, sitting up. "You were sure as hell enjoying yourself, kaya wag mong sabihin na-"

"Oh shut up, Xander." I picked up my undergarments and quickly put them on me. "I need to go, so please. Let me get dressed in peace."

He looked surprised and his mouth opened na parang may sasabihin sya pero he closed it again. Then he looked away from me. Dali dali kong kinuha yung pantalon at shirt ko, at sinuot ko sila ng nag mamadali.

"Sex lang talaga sayo ang lahat ng ito, wasn't it?" He looked at me again, his facial expression serious.

"Ano bang pinagsa-sabi mo, Xander? You were drunk. And I was hurt. It's a perfect combination for a disaster." I frowned. "Look at me, my guilt it killing me."

"He was fucking another girl." He stated, reminding me of what I had seen again. "In his bed. On your birthday."

"How did you know about that anyway, huh?" I asked, suspicion rising in me. "Wala ka naman dun ah. Pano mo nalaman-"

"I followed you, Jessica." He softly said. "Do you think i'll let someone walk away from me after she gave me the best kiss i've ever had?"

My cheeks suddenly become hot. I have this feeling where i'm stuck in awe and seeing him say these words with him sitting like that in the bed, with very vulnerable eyes...

"Nakita kitang pumasok, and I followed you. I was in the corner when I heard the commotion," He explained. "I rushed out when he started calling your name, because I thought you were going to talk to him, at ayokong..."