For the Emperor

Chapter 12

News travelled fast; within the hour of the discovery, a messenger was sent to Kylo's post, the letter you'd left on his pillow in hand. 

A minor injury to his arm had taken him out of battle, so the messenger found him sulking in his chambers as the battles fought on outside. Rage filled his entire body, animalistic groans could be heard throughout the compound as his saber met every surface and piece of furniture in the room, the note taunting him as it fell from his hand onto the bed.

'Suffocated in life, and so suffocated in death. My love I'm sorry, I truly am. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong for you anymore. It is all just too much. The longing to be by your side, the yearning to be free to walk the streets. I can't be caged any longer. It isn't fair, it hurts too much. I can't take anymore.

From a time long ago, I have always feared the darkness that dwelled inside of me. Without you by my side, giving me strength, I couldn't keep it away any longer.

You know me, my dear. You know my need to be free. To roam the fields and wander the streets. May we see each other again in the fields of red in my dreams. I love you.'

Footsteps boomed as he raced towards his ship, co-ordinates pre-set by crew members who'd had it ready the second the messenger arrived. Kylo could barely see, his mind so clouded with anger and fear that he barely made the flight back in one piece.

They'd found you cold, limp and hanging from the ceiling. As you stepped off the sink, a bottle had fallen and shattered, alerting the stormtroopers outside that something had happened. They barely got you in time; consciousness all but faded and lips slowly turning blue. You couldn't remember much, no recollection of how you made it to the medical centre, but you awoke in a medbay bed. 

Your mind replayed the scene from so many years ago when you last awoke in a bed like this and you began to sob. An end, that's all you wanted. An end to your pain, to your fear and to your suffocation. But you never got what you want, and now you had to face the consequences of your actions. Wails and cries passed your lips as your eyes burned with tears and your throat throbbed with pain. 

That's when you heard it, shouting. Demands, questions, orders. You could hear him searching for you, voice so loud but so cold.

You heard medical staff begging him to calm down, trying to delay him as he stormed through the door into your room. No mask, no emotion. His cold, haunting eyes pierced yours as he stood in the doorway; unable to move as he took in your appearance. 

Pale, weak, crying... 

You looked as though nothing could fix you, and that broke him inside. Cries slowing, tears disappearing, you watched as he slowly stepped closer. He wasn't looking at you; he was looking through you, through your thoughts and memories. His eyes darted around your face for any sign that you would be ok but halted when they landed on the red marks swelling at your neck. The marks so similar to the one he'd left before, when his anger got too much. It was as though he had done this to you.

Seeing the look in his eyes made what you did feel real. Feel wrong. Your hand reached for him; throat too sore to speak. Moving closer, eyes not leaving your neck, he knelt beside you and took your hand. "Why..." he whispered, eyes finally meeting yours, "Why did this happen?" New tears began forming in your eyes as his words met your ears, the heartbreak in his voice mimicking the feeling you experienced the last time you sat in this room.

"I... I..." Your throat scratching each time you tried to reply, face contorting from the pain. Kylo rested a hand on your cheek and looked into your eyes. 

"Don't speak, just think... let me in". Your mind began running a million miles as you felt his presence inside.

'I felt so alone, so scared. You had gone and I didn't know if you were ever coming back... There were rumours you weren't coming back... I couldn't take anymore. I was so scared.' His thumb began stroking your cheek as he sat in silence, listening to everything you wanted to say. 'I felt like I was suffocating in there, like I was a prisoner in my own home. Nothing felt right, it all just hurt so much. Everything was dark, my heart had vanished with you as you took off that day. It... It felt like the only thing I could do....' Your head dropped; eyes clenching shut to stop waterfalls cascading down your cheeks. You couldn't look at him, too scared of what you would see. His hand didn't leave your face, still rubbing slowly as Kylo rested his forehead on your leg. He was broken, scared. He'd failed you and he knew this was all because of him. His hand finally fell from your cheek and joined his head on your lap. Hand resting weakly on his back, you tried to soothe him but couldn't find the strength to move. His breath was broken, tears forming in his eyes as his head raised once more to investigate yours. You tried to smile, but your face was too numb to move.

"This was me; this was my doing..." he stood, pacing up and down the room. Eyes locked on him; you couldn't react from fear your body would break. "I was careless, I left you and didn't even consider what would happen to you. My darling, you..." he stopped and turned to you, "you could've died. You wanted to die. Because of me." Your head shook gently, your mind raising with reasons that he was wrong. You knew he was listening; he knew you wanted him to feel better. A silence fell as you both of you absorbed the other; feelings and fears passing between each of you. He was back now; he was there to look after you. That's all you wanted.

Kylo had you moved back up into your shared chambers; he wanted to be by your side as much as he physically could be while you recovered and being in the medical centre made that difficult. You were visited twice a day by doctors overseeing your recovery. Kylo sat by your side during every appointment, never letting go of your hand. Your maid dressed and cleaned you, making sure you were comfortable and always checking that you were feeling ok. Whenever Kylo wasn't around, she was there to make sure you never felt alone. She was a kind woman, probably nearly twice your age but with a young soul that always made you feel calm in her presence. Her hands were skilled and gentle, always touching you softly and checking you were comfortable. She was the closest thing to a friend you had outside of your work life and Kylo. She was special to you, even though you didn't spend much time together.

Each day you grew stronger; having Kylo with you helped you heal more than any medicine could. Your only time alone was during emergency talks where he had to leave you for a brief time, but as the resistance was slowly defeated, there was less need for Kylo to directly oversee events.

It took about a week for your voice to fully return, swelling disappearing and strength returning. The first time Kylo's name left your lips was like a symphony for him, smile stretching across his face as he ran to your side and softly kissed you. It was a sign you were recovering and that filled his heart with hope. 

Another week passed and you were walking again, body almost fully recovered. 

Even though you were stronger, Kylo refused to take you out into the city; too afraid your body would give in because of over stimulation. No matter how much you begged to see the people again, he would simply hold you in a tight embrace and shake his head. It had become frustrating; you weren't a china doll and wanted to get back to normality. The more he babied you, the less you could move on from what happened.