Last Summer's Catastrophe

Chapter 28

Lost

My modelling career wasn't easy. I went through ups and downs before I could even climbed to the top. Been judged, discredit, harassed and shamed. Honestly at first, I don't know where to start. I just feel lost.

"Ano bang pose 'yan?" iritadong tanong ni Carl sa kalagitnaan ng pictorial namin. "Alam mo bang mukha kang tuod?"

It hurts.

It was my first time working with him and his crew and it was pressuring. All eyes are on me and I can't take them all. I feel like... they're judging me. Parang binabasa nila ako. I don't know if I'm just overthinking or what, but I feel like they're looking at me with indifference.

I tried to strike another pose but I feel like I look stiff. It's frustrating that I want to show my best but couldn't. I prepared for this pero bakit ganito? Para akong maiiyak. Ramdam ko na ang pagka-irita ng nga tao sa akin dito.

"I don't want you to outshine my creations but you're still my model. I care for your image. I know you can do better. Ano na, Eula?" he said in a demanding tone. "Hanggang diyan lang ang kaya mo? Bet you won't succeed."

I clenched my fist. Tears start to form in the corners of my eyes. I pursed my lips and look down. I feel so low.

"I told you already, modelling is not for me," ani ko sa mahinang tinig at nagsimula ng tumayo bago pa man bumagsak ang mga luha ko. Ang dibdib ko ay binabalot ng matinding init.

I really want to do better but I just can't. Hindi ko alam. Did I lack in confidence or this career is not really meant for me.

"You won't really succeed kung ganyan ka! You weren't even doing your best pero sumusuko ka na?"

Dinig ko ang bulong-bulungan ng crews. It was embarrassing. Mas bumaba ang balikat ko at nagtuloy-tuloy ang pagbagsak ng luha ko.

"Why? You have a problem? Lahat ng tao dito may problemang dinadala. Maybe much more worst than yours but did you see them na nagloko sa trabaho?" Pagkatapos ay suminghal siya. "I'm not against with you being emotional pero sana naman h'wag mong dalhin sa trabaho. Professionalism naman!"

"I'm sorry," ang tangi kong nasabi.

He was right. I am too emotional and I can't separate it with business. I'm being unprofessional kaya may karapatan siyang magalit.

"Talagang nagawa niyo pang mag-chismisan!" sigaw ni Carl, hindi natutuwa sa palakas na palakas na pag-uusap ng tao sa paligid. "Sa labas niyo na ituloy 'yan at huwag sa harap ko. Ikaw Eula maiwan ka."

Umiling ako. "Uuwi na ako." Ani ko sa nanginginig na boses.

Why did I even push myself to do this. Matagal ng ipinamukha sa akin ng reyalidad na hindi para sa'kin.

Nang tuluyan ng maglaho ang tao sa paligid, maliban kay Carl ay pinawi ko ang mga luha ko. Nakakahiya na talagang napaiyak pa ako sa harap ng maraming tao. Lalo na akong walang mukhang maihaharap sa mga tao.

"I'm really sorry. I'll just quit."

Bumuntong hininga siya at saka nagsimulang lumapit sa'kin.

"Eula you're frustrating but I won't quit on you. I can see your potential and I know you can soar high. I'm sorry for the hurtful words, I was trying to do psychological reverse but I guess, it made this worse. What did they do to make your confidence this low?"

I pursed my lips. I was touched with his words. But I don't have guts anymore to continue modeling. At masyado pang magulo ang isip ko.