We're gonna be royals

Twenty-Six

“Why are you here, Jumpol?” Gun asked. Shoulders were squared, stiff as if guarded. His tone was monotonous, face void of expression.

“I don’t want to let my action ruin this night” Off said, his voice was weak. Body leaning against the doorframe as he spoke, cheeks tinted in light pink. It’s one o’clock in the morning. It was raining heavily outside and Gun can see traces of raindrops on his damp jacket suit, wet patches across the fabric.  His gelled hair is now wet, flat against his forehead.

“First, it's already ruined. Second, why do you care now?” Gun’s face is still stoic. His hand was firm against the door as if ready to slam it shut. He glanced behind the door, keenly scanning for any presence in the living room. Except for his maids who were still busy preparing for tomorrow’s breakfast in the kitchen, no one was around. His father is still upstairs.

Gun massaged his throbbing temple, head feeling heavy. He can still remember the piercing glare that shot him across the hall, can remember the buzzing in his ears when his father scolded him as soon as they arrived home.  He shut his eyes at the memory and huffed.

“I asked myself the same thing, you know” Off gazed back at him, voice soft especially under the drizzle of rain. Gun blinked at Off wearily. Strong smell of alcohol and cologne whiffed from Off when the taller guy backed away and leaned against the wall, only to plop on his butt.

For a moment, Off looked down at his lap, thinking. Fingers tugging at the fabric slightly before a heavy sigh released, pulling his legs to rest his forehead against his kneecap, “But I figured out…because this is not a game anymore, Gun” Off said with a wry smile.

Gun found his eyes bouncing back at the solemn back against him. The droopy shoulders on Off’s lanky frame were unfamiliar. He used to be so confident all the time. It made Gun think for a moment, where did the douche guy from the event earlier have disappeared? And since when did Off looked so vulnerable in his eyes? The taller guy pushed his hair to the back. Off looked up at Gun, eyelids heavy and seemingly tired. His heart wavered at the sight.

“I told you before I’m not playing, Gun. Never had” Gun felt his stomach lurched because for the first time in his life, Off looked smaller and lost than he appeared to be. Face looking paler than he usually does.

“What I did was intentional and definitely a jerk move. I’m sorry… I—I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. But what I did back there was because I really do like you. It’s not warranted and definitely inexcusable, I know ” Off said firmly when Gun was about to refute.

“I’m just hurt back then” Off breathed out heavily. Shaking his head as if seemingly very disappointed in himself.

Gun’s fist curled at the sight because he’s seen that sight before. His muscles tensed up. He’d seen it last summer. When it was hot and the shirt was stuck to his body like another skin, and Gun was buzzing, bubbly with giggles and alcohol when he’d unceremoniously peeped on Off with his father. The older man had a back against Off, as if he doesn’t even worth the attention. And Off, who has never lost his confident smiles, somehow, had curled his mouth into an upturned lips back then. It was a celebratory party thrown for Off. Yet, nothing in those sentences spewed out from that wrinkled lips were anything appreciative. Only judgement and disappointment. And Gun remembered feeling solemn for the rest of the evening even with Oab by his side. He can feel the feelings rain on him again.

“And I wanted to show to people that you’re not just another fling to me, that you’re special and a very important person to me, and I want to keep it that way until the end”

Gun felt his stomach lurched.

There was something different in the way Off's spoke tonight. No hint of confidence or composure. Only weakness and exhaustion could be heard under the silent night. Prickles of pain felt in his chest. It hurts somewhere in the pit of his stomach. Honestly, Gun doesn’t like the droop of eyebrows on Off’s face and has absolutely no interest in letting it slant over his brows any longer so Gun squatted down until they’re on the same eye level.

“You’re cold” Gun grabbed Off’s face in his hands.

“Well, I was hoping you would invite me in and warm me up” Off replied, eyes fond on him. Lips tipped doesn’t reach his eyes and the weak laughter pierced the cold night.

Usually Gun would have joined him with a witty remark but maybe it was the solemn clinging to his chest, or it was so late in the hour that he unintentionally slipped out his honest thought. “Have you ever thought that maybe we shouldn't have done this in the first place, Off?”

Off drew one of his eyebrows upwards at this, seemingly to be taken aback at the sudden question. Gun gulped at the hurt reflected in his brown orbs so Gun pulled away his hands, biting his lips. Off sighed and seemed to be in pain at the loss.

“Maybe we should have thought this through. Or you know—maybe we should have stopped this. We jumped from hating to liking each other, of course something is going to go haywire somewhere” Gun moved to take a seat one feet away from Off because he can’t think straight while looking at Off. Arms folded, holding up his cracked barriers together.

“Hey, don’t say that” Off moved his legs and bumped Gun’s left knee. Gun tilted his head sideways so he could look at Off.

“I’m serious about wanting this to work, Gun” Off then, proceeded to slip his hand into Gun’s smaller hand, smoothed his thumb over the knuckles. If Gun’s nerves were a jumbled mess before, the action certainly managed to calm him down, unsurprisingly.

“I—If you still don’t believe me, then I’ll bring you to meet my parents and I’ll talk to your father again. I’ll do it. I just...want our parents to accept this relationship. I don't want to give them reasons to break us up. I know you’re unsure about this, about us. Even I don't know where this is going or if it will last but we can find out along the way”

Somewhere along the lines, Gun could feel that the answer was genuine. Raw. Far from practiced lines Off would usually say and it made his heart beat, pounding fast. Gun hates this. Because Off Jumpol whom he has known all his life is a selfish bastard.

But now, the hate was more towards himself because tonight, Gun Atthaphan figured that he was no less of a selfish bastard than Off either. He looked at Off this time. Really looking at him as if trying to figure out what the other guy was thinking, what’s actually playing in his head because Gun couldn’t understand.

“Why are you trying so hard?” Gun mumbled under his breath. He sounded confused, and somehow defeated. Because Gun simply doesn’t understand why Off is trying his best and believes in him when Gun was stuck halfway, scared and losing hope at their so-called relationship.

“Because you matter a lot to me” Off murmured softly. His larger hands warmly covered both of Gun’s smaller hands. There’s assurance visible in Off’s eyes and Gun found himself melted under the warmth.

Gun likes to be in control. He always thought he was good at controlling his feelings. It was so easy putting on his mask. But for some reason, it’s so tiring and exhausting putting up a facade in front of Off Jumpol. Because no matter how hard he tries, all of his efforts would go crumbling and melting upon his sincerity.

Between the cold night and drizzle of rain, Gun found warmth and comfort. Thank you was at the tip of his tongue. But being honest was never Gun’s forte, so he leaned against Off’s shoulder and closed his eyes instead.

“You know, I don’t think sleeping is the only thing we’ll be doing tonight if I invite you upstairs” Gun said and genuine laughter escaped from Off’s mouth. Gun found his lips curving all the same.