♤The Ace of Spades♤

Admitting Feelings and Finding Hope.

I opened my eyes this morning to see that I was laying on Doug's chest. His chest was lightly dusted with hairs and they tickled my cheek. I stroked his ribs soflty and closed my eyes. There was still guilt inside me. Guilt that what one of my ex's did to me, I did with Tom. I felt the tears forming in my eyes and I just realized that I was a horrible girlfriend. I didn't deserve to be with Doug because I knew that I would hurt him too. He, like I, had been through a lot in life. It just made me upset that Tom wouldn't let me apologize to him. I felt Doug stir under me and I looked up at him. His eyes were half slitted from being asleep and I thought it was actually quite cute. Doug looked down at me. "Mm, good morning beautiful." I felt my cheeks immediately turn red and it made me feel so loved and appreciated. "Good morning, handsome." I said back to him. He smiled and pulled me up towards him more so that I could lay on his shoulder. "Did you sleep well, boo?" I giggled and nodded. "I slept good." I could feel his heart beat under my hand. It was so similar to Tom's heart, and I began to feel so sick from the guilt. Tom would never take me back now because I fucked up. "Gemma...you're getting pale. Are you ok?" Doug sat up and laid me down so that I was under him. "You're trembling. You must be cold." I looked up into his eyes and saw that he was worried about me. Just like how Tommy would worry about me. "I-I'm ok. Don't worry about me, Douggie." His large hand cupped my left cheek and I closed my eyes when he leaned down and kissed me. Doug was a good kisser and I wouldn't deny that he was but Tom was better. We continued to kiss one another softly before he went to my neck. "D-Douggie...we need to go find daddy." My right hand gripped his bicep. He moaned and held me close to his body. I closed my eyes as he started to add suction. "B-Baby..." I gripped his mullet and rolled on top of him. I pinned his arms down. "Doug, please listen to me!" He was panting and looking up at me. "Gemma...I'm sorry. You're just so fucking beautiful. I'm afraid that if I don't hold you in my arms for just one moment I will lose you." I felt a soft spot form on my heart. He was really scared to lose me. "Gemma...I love you. I wanna be with you. I wanna make you smile every damned day and I help you. I know that you've been through a lot and...I just wanna save you. I wanna be there when you need a hug. I wanna hold you in your arms when you cry and I want to relax your nerves when you have one of those panic attacks. If we can't be together...then at least I'm telling you how I feel right? I can't keep this inside me anymore. I...Just..." There were real tears falling from his eyes and it made a softer spot form. "Oh Douggie...baby..." I let go of his arms and he sat up to hold me close. "Even if you don't love me...I just wanted to tell you that. It made me feel so much better now." Doug laid me down so that he could stand up. I sat there watching him go into the bathroom. I don't feel the same way for him, is that a bad thing?

I was getting ready to take Gemma out. I can't believe I just spilled my heart out to her! It felt so good to get that off my chest though. "Doug? Are you-oh there you are." I turned around as I was buttoning up my shirt. "Hey, Gemma." I was feeling a lot better now. I was feeling much better now that I had gotten that off my chest. Gemma smiled up at me. "Almost ready?" She asked me. I nodded. "I am. Can you wait for me out in the living room? I would-" Gemma came over and kissed my cheek. "I'll wait for you." She whispered against my jawline. I shivered. She pulled away from me and walked into the living room. I couldn'y help but watch her hips sway as she walked. Fuck...this would be interesting.

We were having a walk in the park when Gemma told me about her mom dying. It made me feel really bad for her that she had lost so many people. I also learned that Gemma even had a girlfriend before she met Hanson. She even told me that she had tried to commit suicide awhile back, but I already knew about that because Hanson had told me. "I'm even going to a shrink because of it, Douggie. I have to have counceling and tell a stranger everything I feel. Tom thought that it was crazy that I had to go to one, but he got used to it after awhile." I sat her on a park bench and sat beside her. "I wish you didn't have to go to one." I said in my soft caring voice. I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and put  a hand on her knee to stroke it softly. "I would solve every problem you ever had just by cuddling you and talking to you about it. Telling a complete stranger your problems can be quite scary sometimes." She nodded quickly. "That's what I said!" She exclaimed. I laughed.

Later we left the park. Now...it was time to find her dad.