Letters to Chanyeol

Present Time

I wasn't sure if I was right or I was just imagining things but his lip was ice cold. I moved his body to the side to feel his heart beat but there wasn't any. My heart started to race and my hands started to tremble. I didn't know what to do. I looked at his lifeless body in front of me.

Just then, my phone rang. It was Kyungsoo. To be honest, I didn't have the courage to answer the call but something inside me urged me to do so. Maybe I can still save him. I picked up the call and didn't wait for Kyungsoo to say hello.

"I need you here. Chanyeol is in danger."

As I waited for Kyungsoo to come with the ambulance, I tried everything I could. I tried CPR and other stupid ways I could think of just to see my husband alive. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life.

When they arrived, the medical professionals carried his body and took it with them. I rode with Kyungsoo and to be honest, my mind was blank. I still can't believe this was happening, right now.

"He's going to be fine" Kyungsoo commented as he followed the ambulance. I couldn't move, suddenly it was difficult to breathe or even blink. I watched as they took his body inside the ER and we were left outside.

I just sit still while Kyungsoo bought us food. I wasn't hungry or thirsty. I just wanted to see Chanyeol alive. The waiting time was draining. Chanyeol's parents came and so did my mom. We all waited and it felt like forever when it only took 20-30 minutes.

When the doctor came out of the ER, all of us stood up, even Kyungsoo. The doctor looked at the paper then back to us. "Who's the partner?"

"I am" I spoke, for the first time after what happened. The doctor looked at me, "I'm sorry. There wasn't anything we could do." All of my remaining strength vanished from my body as I collapsed on the floor.

Kyungsoo rushed to my side while Chanyeol's parents started crying. The doctor offered us to look at him and for someone to sign the papers which my mother did on our behalf. Everything started to be still.

While everyone rushed to do their part, I couldn't do anything. I just sat on the floor without minding if anyone would see me. I do not have the energy to stand up or even go see him. Everything felt unfair.

Kyungsoo slowly lifted me up as he tried to help me sit on the bench. I didn't notice that I was crying all this time. He started wiping my tears and offering me water but I couldn't. I just looked at nothingness.

I didn't notice how long I've stayed at way but my mom held my hand. I turned to her and her eyes were red. "You should take one last look at him." I wanted to, but for some reason, I didn't want to remember him like that. I want my last image of him to be smiling just like last night.

My mom and Kyungsoo took me home. I didn't say anything to them and just head to my room. I layed in bed as I tried to think of anything. I used to be so good at pre-occupying my thoughts but now, not a single thing was on my mind.

Everything was blank. Everything hurt. Everything was so unfair.

I wasn't sure how long I've stayed there but one day, my mom knocked on my door. She was wearing a black dress and for some reason, I understood why she approached me. I looked at her as I waited for her to speak.

"Baekhyun, today is Chanyeol's funeral. Do you want to go or---"

I immediately cut her off, "Yes. I'll go." She looked at me with sadness and nodded. She left the room quietly and even if I didn't have the energy to move, I pushed my body to do so because I need to be there. I need to properly send him to heaven as a way to say goodbye.