Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 29

Dear Chanyeol,

It has been 3 years since I last wrote to you. I saw you again after all those hurtful years and yes, the pain was still there. But the love also never left.

I thought I moved on, I thought I can handle seeing you, I thought I could act like everything was behind us, but I was wrong. When you came back, I was reminded of all the good things about us. However, the bad things were reminded too.

You swept my feet almost instantly. One smile was all it took to have me on your bed. Our chemistry never left, but the wounds in my heart opened as well.

Being with you reminded me of how hard I tried to be okay again. All those sleepless nights were back again. All those questions. All those tears. All those trauma. All those feelings. It actually felt like you broke up with me yesterday.

I couldn't go back to you even if I wanted to. I couldn't erase all those nights wondering where I went wrong. I couldn't erase the thought of you leaving me, and finding someone so easily.

I couldn't, Chanyeol. So even if I wanted to go back into your arms so badly, I chose myself. I chose my reality. I chose the life without you even if it was painful and even if it was empty. I chose this boring life because at least I was sure that I wouldn't be hurt again.

In this boring life, I won't be afraid of being left again. In this boring life, I can sleep soundly without worrying that tomorrow, my partner would be gone. In this boring life, I have no fears.

I love you, Chanyeol but what you did to me was too much. I love you but I was sick of your lies. I love you but I don't want to undergo the same pain all over again. I love you but this time, I love myself even more.