Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 31

Dear Chanyeol,

Why didn't you just tell me?

Why did you have to burden everything on yourself? Did you think I'd go away because you're sick? Didn't you feel that my love for you was strong enough to accept this harsh reality?

Why did we waste time when we could've been together all these years? What do you want me to do now?

My head is full of questions that I know I can never ask you. I don't understand your decision because it was selfish.

You were always like this. But I can't seem to get angry at you, not right now.

I don't even know what to feel about this. I know being with you is not good for me but will I regret not spending time with you? Absolutely.

I couldn't help but be sad that we wasted three years hating and ignoring each other when we could've just stayed together. 3 years was too long. We wasted a lot of time. If you just told me, we could've gone to various places and created tons of memories.

If you told me, we would have done everything we wanted. We could have set a small bucket list or I could join you in your treatment. Sure, it would hurt if I knew the truth but it won't make me leave you. I know you're stronger than this, Chanyeol.

I would never understand the way you think. I would never accept your decision because the more I think about it, the more selfish it seems. I could go on and on about your decision in the past, but that won't fix anything.

You were here. I was here with you. You were getting weaker by the day and God knew I couldn't handle to just leave you be.

That was why even for the last time, I was willing to get hurt again. One more time for you. I would go through hell again even if I knew how this wound end.

I don't care what you or other people think. I don't care how hurtful this could be in the next few months or years. I don't care if you push me again because I would never leave you again.