Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 11

Dear Chanyeol,

I thought since we had a good chemistry, we can withstand anything -- even distance. You had experience with long-distance relationships so I was confident that this would be easy for you.

But I was wrong. Your actions triggered my trauma. You became more distant and in a way, secretive. You no longer open up what's happening and you don't ask anything about me as well.

I became insecure and my anxiety came back. I started to doubt you and you got angry each time I asked things about you. But if you don't tell someone what's wrong and you just become distant, you can't expect them to think it was not their fault.

After you told me that I was so negative, I tried my best to be the sunshine you loved. I only showed you the good parts of me. I kept on changing my mood just to get you to my side again. I even changed myself to the person you wanted me to be: chill and independent.

But it was difficult. Changing that depressed image of me in your hard was a lot of work. Even if we were at peace for months, you still thought it was too much until I found a loophole. A game you loved and a game I can play.

It was a game in our switch. It was an awesome game that I seriously loved to the point that I was addicted to it. I told you I was playing that game and we started bonding again.

Our calls came back and I knew you're having fun with me again. You would invite me to missions and even wait for me because your level was way higher than mine. You sent me items and we became a team. Everything felt like before again and I was happy.

All good things come to last and in a month, you were back to your own world with a little slot of me. Before, we would do all missions together but since there were things that I cannot access yet, we decided to stick to the daily missions. I didn't mind. I was actually happy with the little attention you gave me.

In fact, I was already satisfied with having a small portion of your day. The distance you gave me helped me learn how to do things on my own and in a way, to start living without you.

I was happy with my transformation but that distance just made everything worse. I thought you'd be proud of me and our relationship would be strong but I was wrong. I remembered what happened days before the break up. Who could forget?

We were about to do our game mission together – it was the only part of the game that we do together. But I couldn't connect to you since my Internet was slow and there was a time limit. So I asked you to go ahead.

Then I tried another option in the game where I realized that I could connect to other players. You said, "go ahead and play with them."

"No, this is our thing." It was the truth. By this time, I was only playing because of you. I was able to unlock all the missions so I just log in to do our dailies. Your reply made me realize that our relationship is almost over.

"That's stupid. Get the rewards"

I thought you were joking but your tone was serious. You didn't care about our bonding nor you never considered it that way. You just thought that I was trying to play the game and that all I cared was the rewards.

I cried. I knew you saw it since we were on a video call. It took you a couple of minutes before you asked if I cried and I said nope. I wiped my tears and continued to look at my console.

You apologized but I couldn't take it. The tone was not genuine. I knew you just said sorry because you didn't want us to fight. I wanted to let it go. It was a small matter anyway but my heart couldn't take the pain anymore so I spoke what was on my mind.

"Can you at least act like you care?"

"I am not in the mood for drama." You didn't wait for my reply and turned off the call. I chatted you asking what was happening to us.

"I just lost empathy about you, about us."

By now, I was crying. I don't know why but I already knew that this was the end of us.

"What do you want to do?" I asked those words, hoping that you'd say something else. I asked that because I want you to say, let's fight for our relationship. I wanted you to fight for us, Chanyeol. I wanted you so stay.

Instead, you asked for a cool-off.