Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 16

Dear Chanyeol,

I dreamed about you. I dreamt that I asked you to come back to me. But you still didn't want to. You still had that decided expression on your face. You looked at me like I was some sort of trash. You looked at me as if you didn't love me at all.

How could your love just fade like that? How can you decide that one day, everything was no longer worth it?

When I woke up, I felt pain in my chest. I don't know if it was because of the dream or my sleep was so little that my body was starting to get angry at me. Remember when you used to video call me every night because I couldn't sleep? Now, I have to find ways just to rest my body and mind.

I tried drinking milk and doing different exercises but nothing worked. Each night, my mind wondered about all the what ifs I had. Each night, I ask myself why.

If night time was an issue, so was day time. I had to distract myself so I wouldn't check up on you. I needed to find something so I won't miss you. But the worst part was that we shared a lot of hobbies that it was hard not to remember you.

Whenever I play a game, I remember you. Whenever I watch anime, I remember you. I guess that was the disadvantage of dating someone with the same interests. All I do, I am reminded of you.

I was tired of feeling this way, Chanyeol. If you're moving on, I would too. If you want to forget me then I will forget you too.

That was when I decided to write the book. I would let go of everything, even you. All of my feelings would be poured in the book and when I'm done, I will also be over you.

It was the perfect plan, wasn't it? I get to release all these feelings by doing what I love: writing. I won't read the book because that would make me feel terrible again. I wanted to get over you and this was the perfect way to do it.

But it was hard. It was hard to let go someone you love so much. It was hard to continue your life without the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

But each time I look at your profile like you were so okay, I get a little push to myself. I am reminded that if you feel these too you wouldn't leave me. If you really love me, you'd still be here.

If you really wanted to marry me, you wouldn't let go so easily. If we were on the same page, this wouldn't have happened.