Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 08

Dear Chanyeol,

But just like other couples, we make mistakes. My fear and trauma made me doubtful of your actions and would trigger my insecurities.

I would tell you how I feel and I'd expect you to be mad but you didn't. Most of the time, I would just cry in the corner and try to hide it from you but you know me too well. A simple change in my tone and you knew that something was up.

When this happened, you would hold my hand and tell me that you love me and you were not like my exes. Sometimes when I couldn't calm down, you would just hug me tight. My breathing would be back to normal and I would hug you tighter.

I was so amazed at your patience and understanding. No matter how long my rants were or how frequent my breakdowns were, you stayed. Never did you show me doubts or fears or irritation. That was why I swore to myself that I won't take advantage of it.

I wanted to be the perfect partner for you. I wanted everything to be smooth and easy. I wanted us to achieve that kind of maturity wherein we no longer have to fight about useless stuff.

But we both know it was impossible. There were people who I feel threatened and even if I distract myself, like I said, you saw right through me.

Most of the time, if your hugs won't work, you would let me be because you want to believe that I can survive this on my own. You just didn't want me to be the clingy boyfriend. You molded me to be a strong and independent man. But when you saw me cry, you'd stop everything and comfort me even if you were working.

I'm sorry, Chanyeol. I couldn't be the perfect partner. My awful past made me like this. I'm sorry if you feel that I don't trust you. I'm sorry if I was always curious about what you were up to. I'm sorry if I was immature. I'm sorry if I clinged to you like a little child. But please remember that I was trying my best to prove you otherwise.

I struggled for months to fix myself. I worked hard to fight my demons on my own. It was by the end of the relationship when I finally made it. I was matured, I was chill, and I was the perfect man for you.

But it was too late, right? My image of you doubting you all the time was stuck in your head so a few months before our break up, you easily get irritated when I ask you about things. When I was changing for the better, you didn't appreciate it. When I surpassed my thoughts, you no longer cared about me.

I don't blame you. Everything was my fault. But sometimes, I wish you trusted me too.