Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 30

Dear Chanyeol,

They said, when you meet the love of your life, you'll know. When I saw you 4 years ago, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with you -- well, that's what I wanted anyway.

I used to be scared of marriages because of what happened to my parents but when you came to my life, I was willing to take the risk. I was willing to do that one thing that scared me the most because I was that eager to be with you. I know that you wanted to have a family of your own and I was willing to do that for you.

Even when there were days when everything was too much, I held on the possibility of us making it through. When I had my own doubts and when my traumas were triggered, all I was thinking was us. I stayed despite of everything because that's what we should do, right?

I wanted us to work so badly, Chanyeol. I wanted to stay by your side no matter what. I wanted to be with you every step of the way.

I don't care what kind of problems or challenges we face. As long as we are together, everything will be alright. I don't need anything else. We will make everything work.

But when you left me, I was shattered. I was broken to pieces and I wasn't sure if I can be whole again. All of my hopes were gone. I didn't know what to feel or to react. I didn't know how I could ever trust somebody again. I lost faith in love. I created a small world that only I exist because I felt that everyone would eventually leave me.

So when you came back, I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I pushed you away. I held back because I turned into this coward after you left me. You were the reason I became like this. You made me so scared that I'd rather be alone than to try again. You reopened the wounds I healed so badly.

But now that I heard that something happened to you, I am like an idiot who came to your aid. I guess, my love for you never left. I guess despite being scared, I would always go back to you if you need me.

And you need me now.