Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 27

Dear Chanyeol,

I finally reached stage 3 and 4. I think. These stages were bargaining and depression. There were days when I'll blame myself for everything, wishing that maybe if I didn't just let you go, you'd still be here. There were days when I would just cry even if there was nothing wrong.

It was an endless cycle that I wasn't sure how will end. I would wake up feeling okay, be busy throughout the day thinking that I was okay, but when I was finished with work, I would realize I was wrong.

I would look at the ceiling and everything would flash back right through me. I tried so hard to distract myself with work. I already have 3 jobs right now. I would chat with my friends for hours. I would be happy. I would smile and even laugh. But when I am alone, I would feel terrible.

I lied, Chanyeol. I said I would be happy for you and I said I would stop checking you. But I didn't even if I saw her tell she loves you. I checked those mussy tags you had for each other even if I knew I would be hurt. It was so stupid to be honest but I couldn't help it.

I always wondered how you were doing. Is everything fine? Are you healthy? Are you sleeping well?

It sucks, watching the person I love, be in love with someone else. You didn't reply to her comment but it was enough for me to assume that you are now in a relationship with her. No girl will comment, "I love you" if she wasn't in a relationship with that person.

Every night, I would look at my ceiling wondering, when will these feelings fade? When will I have someone who will not leave my side? When will I get tired of feeling this way? When will our break-up sink in? When will I be okay?