Second Chance (Anthony Rizzo)

(30) Everything Has Changed

Jessica

There wasn't a place in this world I could go where I felt like I belonged. Not a moment in time I'm sure where all of the things I felt were really real. It all seemed like some shitty simulation in where I thought I had control, I thought I was creating but I ended up repeating and just not knowing it. It's like I was in the movie groundhogs day without the happy ending.

It was a dreary September day, like in all the songs about this wonderful month. I let my feet take me to wherever I wanted to go and I end up in a little garden in the middle of the city. There was a beautiful pond and flowers everywhere so I walk around the water, admiring everything that was on full display here today. It rained most of the morning and I stayed in bed waiting for the storm to pass. But I wasn't happy at home so I try to clear my mind elsewhere. Funny, how after spending all this time trying to fill it now I'm out here trying to clear it.

I sit next to the water and see a family of ducks swim by. Mommy and daddy duck leading the babies to the other side of the pond, no kid left behind. How simple they must have it.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I roll my eyes when I see it's Anthony. I might love him but it doesn't change the fact that he's a dumbass for thinking this wasn't going to happen eventually. He had all the chances in the world to come clean and he never dad. And as much as I wanted to hate him, scream at him, be mad at him. I can't. He didn't do this to me and as much as I hate to admit it he made the right decision. To a certain extent at least. There was no picking up where we left off with such a huge part of me gone, and every part of us was his distant memories. I just wish like hell it didn't have to be like this. I wished I didn't feel like so many things he told me was a lie.

After talking myself into it I open the message to see what he had to say this time. I find about ten pictures of us in the message, some of just me. And they weren't from the past almost five months, but the years before that. There was a picture of us at one of his games as I hang over his shoulder. There was a picture of us in Florida with his parents for a walk off for cancer event I take it. I smile to myself as the tears come back to me, not the memories but the knowledge that I was so loved by this man not only once, but twice.

I get to the second to last picture and see a photo of us in this very garden, in this very spot. He was down on one knee with a ring in his hand, my hands over my mouth but you can still see the smile beneath them. Then the last picture was after I said yes and he picked me up while I held his face in my hands as we kissed.

I get this sense almost like I was in that moment, not like I was remembering it but like it was happening to me right now. It was just him and I falling more in love and that's all I ever wanted from him. His love. And he gave it to me even though he wasn't sure. And I gave it back to him even though I wasn't too sure either. I guess things like this never go as planned. He didn't have a plan for us falling in love a second time and I shouldn't be mad at him for that. For keeping things from me and letting me believe things are not as they seem, yeah. I can be mad at him for that. But the anger I feel is dismal compared to how much I love this man again and again and again.

I look down at the ring I was still wearing and I see the forget me nots. I remember what he told me about them and why they were special. While my mind forgot him, my heart never did. It's what told me to go up to him in that cafe, it's what told me to trust him when my future was so up in the air. Every time my heart chose him, and I think that's bigger than anything else in this world.

Because even though everything was not what I thought it was I ended up right where I was supposed to be. I still ended up being a chair in the foundation with Anthony and his family and I still ended up loving the same man I promised to love forever. I was just keeping that promise without really knowing it.

I look back to the water as a soft sigh passes my lips. I think back to the last five months of my life and there hasn't really been a bad part. I got to fall in love with the man who seems to be the only one for me. I got to start over and this time around I had more control only because I didn't know what I used to. I get to relearn things the right way, see old movies for the first time and try new things for a second time. In a way I'm happy that everything turned out the way it has because it was almost the way it was, only better. Because now I see the world through my own eyes and it can be so much better than it would have been before. It can be at least. I still have a long way to go but at least I know what I lost in those five years hasn't lost me. That everything I did back then wasn't a waste, I'm still using it now and I can move forward with that closure. Though it's a little harder for me to trust, it believe I know everything I need to know. I know I know enough to be happy.