Second Chance (Anthony Rizzo)

(34) Hardest Goodbyes

Jessica

What do you call a bucket list that isn't a bucket list? Like, I'm not dying but I did die. And because of that I want to do a bunch of things I've never gotten to do before. Or maybe I did them and I just don't remember. Now that I have a idea of the things I have done before I get to do them again for the first time, or maybe I'll find something even better that I've never done before.

"Have you ever been white water rafting, is that a thing we would do" I ask Anthony as we sit in a hotel room in St. Louis. After the Cubs handily beat the Pirates out in Pittsburg it was off the the Lou for the divisional series. But after I went up in the arch there wasn't much else I wanted to see besides the zoo so Anthony and I decided to hang out in the hotel and try to make some plans for the future.

"We tried it once and we did it in the two person canoe. Let me tell you... it went bad" he claims.

"How bad" I wonder.

"We tipped over twice, on the beginners course" he chuckles.

"Alright. That's going to go down as a maybe" I admit making him laugh.

He pushes me over and joins me in bed as he looks at the list I made. "You want to go to Lola" he questions as he continues to read through

"Hell yeah I do. I can dress cute and listen to music. What more can a girl ask for" I tease.

"Alright. That's new. What else you got so far" he wonders.

"Only a few things. I want to go to Vegas and hike. The other Jessica said it's a lot of fun and her and Kris would join us. Then I want to go to Disney and sea world and all that down there. I haven't been since I was a kid and I want to drink around the world at Epcot. I basically want to be a big kid" I giggle.

"I love this. Anything you write on this paper, I'm gonna make it happen. I'm going to show you the best times, even better than before" he claims.

"You don't have to-" I start.

"Jessie" he interrupts as I sigh. "I want to do this. I want to fill your head with nothing but beautiful memories, and I want to be a part of them. I know you feel like I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you or I'm trying to make it up to you. And while I do feel sorry that this happened to you and I do want to do everything in my power to help you know of a life better than anyone can remember, that's not why I want to help you get through this list.

I want to do this because I don't have to, nothing says I have to. But I want to show you everything you want to see and I want to be right next to you when you realize that you're still here and you're still fighting for a reason. I know things seem so confusing right now, you're still learning about yourself. But this list is important to you therefore it's important to me. I want to complete it" he assures me.

"So if I write start a family on here..." I trail off.

"Nothing would make me happier. Except for maybe getting married first because I don't know about trying to plan a wedding with a baby. On top of the foundation and baseball that will drive us both crazy" he insists.

"Alright. I guess we can get married first" I tease. He placed a soft kiss on my cheek and I smile to myself. How lucky am I?

We get back to work on the list again and I come up with a few more things. I wanted a doggy even though the apartment doesn't allow them. I wanted to go to Washington and sight see and go skiing and go to more concerts. There was so much to do and long leash slowing me to do it. I felt like I can actually focus on the future now that I understand my past. I couldn't wait until my life got back on track and it finally is.

"I gotta get ready for my game" Anthony groans at he sets his head on my stomach.

"Sure not acting like it" I joke.

"I don't want to leave you" he whines like a teenager who was just told to get up and go to school.

"I'll be at the game too" I remind him.

"It's not the sammmmeee" he pouts.

"We're you always like this" I chuckle as he rolls over so he was looking up at me.

"Like what" he wonders.

"Needy" I accuse.

"Oh, that. Yeah pretty much the whole time. I don't know if you noticed, but I really like having you around. Leaving kind of kills me a little inside each time" he claims.

I softly run my fingers through his hair as I get lost in his eyes. He stares back at me letting me know he was listening like always. "Then how come you left me in the hospital" I wonder. And I don't ask to tear him down or make him feel guilty. But if he misses me as much as he says, then how in the world did he leave me there?

"That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I got drafted out of high school, I fought cancer, I've taken fastballs to the ribs, I would rather do any of those over and over again then have to relive those days. That was the kind of pain that almost makes you not want to get out of bed ever again.

I sat in that hospital for three straight days thinking about what to do. I could stay and face the fact that you might not want me around, not want me to see you like that. Or I could let you find yourself instead of telling you who you used to be.

The last day before I left I stood there at the end of your bed as you and your parents were sleeping. You could barley move, you looked dead. It was so terrifying. And as you got better I realized me sitting around waiting for that old you to be back would break you and I both. Because that girl was never coming back.

I did what was best for you, and it killed me inside. The day I left that hospital I left a huge part of me behind. I sincerely believe the best parts of me was there with you. But the only way you got better is to be who you're going to be, not who you used to be. It was the right decision, even though it hurt the most. I missed you like hell and you had no idea who I was without you. I thought about you all day every day and you couldn't think up of my name. It was hell.

But then you got better and you decided you were ready to move on and I'm lucky enough you decided to move on with me by your side. All those awful days praying that you would be in my life was worth it because now I have this version of you which I think is even better than the old you because you're outlook on life isn't driven by fear of what could happen. Now you let life happen and you love it and I hope you never lose that agin" he claims.

"I had no idea that's what you went through" I whisper.

"No one does except for you now. I shut everything out, thought if I made the best decision. And I truly believe I did" he says.

"I do too" I smile.