If Only (Rainbow Series #1)

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Napaawang ang labi ko habang pinagmamasdan siya. Nang hindi ko na makayanan ay tumingala nalang ako at nanghihinang napasandal muli sa hood ng kotse. Tuloy tuloy ang masaganang pagtulo ng luha.

"I'm sorry, B..." she said again between her sobs. Like her, I was also crying so hard.

I covered my mouth with my fist. Ang sakit sakit. Ang kaibahan lang, 'di ko na alam ang mismong dahilan ng nararamdaman ko na 'to. Is it because of her revelations? Is it because I realized that she didn't really care for me all these years? Or perhaps, is it because she's crying so hard in front of me and I can't take that?

"Fuck," bulong ko.

"I'm s-sorry, B.." Ulit niya.

Pumikit ako nang mariin. I missed that. I missed being called 'B'. She's the only one who calls me that. But it feels strange hearing it again.

Ilang sandali pa ay dumilat na ako at pinagmasdan na lang ang kalmadong dagat at ganoon din siguro siya dahil mumunting hikbi nalang ang naririnig ko sa kaniya.

I sighed. Sana kaya ko rin maging kalmado katulad ng dagat kapag kaharap ko si Haley.

Nilingon ko siya. Her side profile sent shivers down my spine resulting for my breathing to hitch. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, maybe dahil sa galit.

I immediately withdraw my stare and blinked twice. Muli kong pinagmasdan ang tanawin sa harap. How I wish I am as composed and as calm as the sea but I'm nowhere near that. Parang may bagyo sa loob ko dahilan ng malalakas na hampas ng alon ng damdamin ko kapag kaharap ko siya. Even if I try so hard to make her feel that she's no longer significant to me, God knows that's not it. She will always have a place in my heart. After all, she was my first love.

Nalunod na ako sa malalim na pag-iisip kung kaya't bahagya akong napatalon nang malingunan ko siyang malapit na sa akin.

"God knows how much I'm regretting every decision I made, Bea," bulong niya ngunit malinaw pa din sa aking pandinig.

Pinagmasdan ko siya. Pinagmasdan ko ang mukha ng babaeng minahal ko nang higit pa sa sobra. Tama pa ba 'to? We are hurting ourselves every time we see each other. We are a walking memory of our painful past. She will always remind me of the nightmare I'm trying to get away from, and I will always remind her of how she's almost lost Lily.

Siguro nga may kasalanan din ako. Hindi naging malawak ang pang-intindi ko at mas hinayaan kong mangibabaw ang nararamdaman kong galit at sakit. But for once, I wanted to be selfish. Can I be selfish and just blame her for everything that happened to us? If she didn't keep me in the dark and just straightforwardly told me she's pregnant, maybe the result turned out the other way around... or not.

Because either way, it would still end up the same—with me, hurting.

I sighed for the nth time. Lagi naman ako yung dehado, laging ako yung talo, wala naman nang bago doon.

I may have every damn reason to hate her but hating her will only mean that I will continue being stuck in the past. And I don't want to be stuck anymore, I want to move forward. The guilt I was feeling all these years drained me. Right now, I don't feel like I still have the energy to hate her... to hate them.

I want to stop hating on anyone because I feel so tired. Nakakapagod magalit at magtanim ng sama ng loob. I just really want some peace of mind.

Coming back here, I only wanted to know the truth and here it is.

I took a deep breath while looking at the face that was once the most beautiful to me. "Pagod na 'ko, Haley," tanging nasabi ko lang.

Tears pooled her eyes once more. "Naiintindihan ko," aniya sa mahinang boses. "You can hate me all you want, I can take that."