All Too Well

1

Standing there in the school parking space with the afternoon sun shining on them, Can felt as if the wind had been knocked from his belly, stolen by some swift kick in the midsection. His heart pounded irregularly, like a clock missing the necessary pieces to click over to the next minute.

Tin stood in front of him, giving him heavy stares as he waited for what he had to say. But his mouth turned dry as if a bad lemon had been rotting away in there for months. Every single molecule of his being screamed “run!”. Yet he remained. He knew the next move must be to say the words swarming around his head for weeks now since his sister, Ley, explained that his irritation and sour mood were brought about by his jealousy of Tin and Pete being close with each other.

“Can’t we just be friends?” Words came out his mouth in a whisper. Despite of the cold breeze, sweat formed on his back and traveled down his pelvis.

He lowered his head to avoid Tin’s piercing glares. Still it gave him no sense of ease.

“But I don’t want to be just friends,” Tin said, his voice low but determined.

Right, he knew this would be Tin’s answer, but something in him couldn’t understand how he felt for him. Maybe his sister was right when she told him he was stupid. A big one.

His throat constricted even more, his mind couldn’t seem to process what to say. Things like this were all new to him, he doesn’t know how to handle all of it. And of all times his stomach would demand for some skewers, it chose now. His hunger added to the cloudiness of his mind, he couldn’t find a reasonable explanation for his words.

He held his breath, teeth grinding, a headache beginning to form at the nape of his neck. His fists clenched and released repeatedly as he stared down his dirty worn out sneakers.

“Tin.” He gazed up, and gulped when he met Tin’s eyes.  “We can still do the things we did even though we’re just friends. You can still tell me about your jerk of a brother or buy me a skewer from my favorite stall. At your mansion, we can still watch movies. We can be… We should be fri—”

“But friends don’t kiss.”

Tin’s words caught him off guard. He opened his mouth briefly before closing it again, unable to make a rebuttal. Images of their past kisses flashed before him. Why was Tin making it hard for him? Of course he knew friends don’t kiss. At least, friends don’t kiss the way they kiss.

Instead of making a retort, he reached for Tin’s wrist and looked him straight in the eyes. “Tin, I want to be your friend.”

He did his best to sound convincing, but he guessed it didn’t work as Tin yanked his hand away a little hard he almost fell on his butt hadn’t it been for his fast reflex.

He still hadn’t recovered from Tin’s jerkiness when Tin dropped the bomb and said, “I don’t want to be your friend, Can.” Clearly enraged, before walking away to his car.

Then everything around him went still, silent, yet everything inside of him seemed so much louder. The pounding of his heart, rapid but so pronounced. It ached, threatening to choke him.

“What do I do now?” Questions ran with one another in an overwhelming pace, he couldn’t keep up with them.

It felt like time had stopped, paralyzing him, with his chest being stabbed and his heart being squeezed simultaneously. How, was it, still beating? He couldn’t breathe.

Did he really lose Tin as his friend? Would they ignore each other like before when they didn’t know one another? Or would Tin come to him tomorrow and drag him to a fancy restaurant for lunch?

But even with the pounding, he knew the image of Tin’s speeding away car, slowly disappearing before him was real and he needed to unsee it, to close his eyes. Yet his body had become not his own. He could not move. He could hear his breaths leave his body in strained stutter and then “thud,” he fell on his butt. The world moved a bit slower. The pain that rattled through the impact was a fading after thought.

He fucked up. Big time.