All Too Well

2

Tin bolted through the door to the building and up the elevator, clenching his fists so hard his nails made formed rings on his palms. He exited the elevator and searched for his apartment door, finding it across the hall. He hastily punched in his passcode and slammed the door shut.

Once inside, his emotions came bubbling up within him and he threw his keys across the room, hitting the picture frame on the wall and sending glass shards flying to every corner. He frustratingly kicked the glass into a pile, then sunk to the floor. Feeling like his legs gave up on him, he stayed there for what felt like hours.

When he calmed down, he took a shower and cleaned himself. With every emotions swarming around his mind, he couldn’t seem to bring himself to cry. Not a tear threatened to fall from his eyes. He felt numb. So numb.

“Can,” he whispered under his breath as warm water cascaded down his body, but he felt nothing at all. Questions clouded him instead.

Why did Can reject him? Was he not enough? Did Can just use him?

But no. Can couldn’t probably do that. He was very innocent and a terrible liar. The more he thought about it, the more he could not understand why Can let him down. 

Maybe tomorrow, he’d wake up and find these all a dream. Yeah, probably.

Except he knew it was not a dream.

—

It had started. Even though Tin still had his eyes closed, he knew the ticking bomb would go off when 7 AM rolled up. Still he grumbled his eyes open and not wait for the alarm clock to ring.

He woke up. But he was never really asleep. Not last night. Not most nights. He tried to recall the dream he had but it kept on slipping from his mind. He remembered dragging Can to the parking space and asking him to be his boyfriend. He remembered driving away from Can to his apartment. Then he remembered… nothing more aside from that.

Or was that really a dream?

He closed his eyes for a moment, and he was made aware of the reality: of the emptiness waiting ahead of him. It wasn’t a dream. Can rejected him yesterday.

His body lied there, motionless. His mind wondering, does he really have to get up from his bed and go about his day? Guessed, he does.

His morning routine passed by in a blur and he now drove his car, unconsciously heading to the football field. Too late for him to realize there was no point going to the field anymore. Guessed it became a habit he should break too soon.

A loud voice from a distance made him stop his car from driving away. There he saw Can clinging to his teammate like a koala. “P’No! Can you treat me food? I’m starving. I haven’t eaten breakfast yet because I woke up late. Ma didn’t wake me up. My alarm clock didn’t work. Or maybe it did, but I just turned it off. And Ley, she keeps on teasing me, saying I look like a brokenhe—”

Tightening his grip on the steering wheel, he started the engine and blocked out all noise from the outside, thinking he had heard enough. He wasn’t even sure why he hoped this would affect Can. Of course, Can was Can. He wouldn’t be if he were not that loudmouth monkey.

When he arrived at their department, Pete was already there, looking as radiant as ever and foolishly grinning while looking at his phone. His beloved must have texted him good morning, he thought.

As soon as he settled on his seat, Pete turned to him and asked, “So, how did things turn out with Can? Did he accept your offer? Are you two boyfriends now?”

Pete’s unusual lively questions made him wonder if he missed a lot of happenings. Was Pete ever this nosy or did it begin when he met that Thai program guy? Clearly, the answer was the latter.

He shook his head, thinking about how being close to those Thai program guys brought him nothing good.

“Tin, what did Can say? Did he say yes, then kiss you? Or did he—”

“He rejected me.”

Pete’s mouth dropped open, but before he could ask anything, their instructor came in. “We’ll talk after class,” Pete whispered.

Shortly after their class ended, Pete dragged Tin to a nearby coffee shop where they normally go during breaks. Tin walked directly to sit on their regular spot in the café’s back corner while Pete walked to the counter to put their regular order while typing something on his phone, probably to his Thai program lover.

A few minutes later, Pete trudged to their table with their orders in his hands. Pete gave him his order and sat quietly, waiting for him to begin, but Pete should have known better. He remained silent on the subject. So, they stayed there quietly for almost ten minutes.

Pete’s eyes moved from here to there before he finally found the courage to ask him. “So—” Pete started, but he cut him off right away.

“I asked him. He rejected me. I walked away. End of story,” he said, his voice monotonous as usual.

Pete’s brows furrowed. “But why?”

He shrugged, not wanting to talk about it because he doesn’t know as well. If he did, he wouldn’t be here sipping coffee with Pete.

“Did you do something? Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. You know Can, he can sometimes be oblivious of what’s happening.”

He stared blankly at Pete, face devoid of any emotion.

“I will ask Can. Maybe he didn’t understand what you were saying,” Pete continued, then took his phone out but he stopped him right away. He doesn’t want to look like he was desperate for Can.

Although, he was. A part of him even considered going to Can’s house and beg. But his damn pride took over the best of him. Can doesn’t want to be his boyfriend, it was clear from what he said yesterday.

“Don’t,” he said with a hint of finality, not wanting to succumb to it.

He would be fine. He had suffered much more than just Can rejecting him. His oxygen, his home. Sure, he would be fine.

Pete seemed to be reluctant, but still lowered his phone. “Tin, I’m right here if you need to talk about it. You know you can count on me at any time,” Pete assured him, then reached for his resting hand on the table.

If that Thai program Pete was dating saw this, he’d probably kill him. He lightly nodded his head, a slight smile spreading across his face. The first smile he’d ever had since yesterday.

“Yeah. But if there’s nothing else, I’ll head home first. I feel like a headache’s coming to me. I need rest,” he said as he stood up and prepared to leave.

“Do you want me to drive you to your apartment?”

“No. I took my car with me. I’m fine.”

He started walking out of the café as he dug into his pocket for his car keys, when he noticed a figure running away like a fool. Thinking that the man doesn’t concern him, he shrugged it off, then head home.