A New Beginning

Alone

He wasn’t in the bed when I woke up a few hours later. I turned over and all the memories of everything that happened before I fell asleep hit me like a wave. I curled up in a ball and lay there crying. Even though they all say it’s not my fault, I really felt like it was. I felt like I had let him down. I knew I wanted a baby with him and I thought this was going to be it, but I was wrong. I lay there trying to figure out why this happened, what went wrong, or what I did wrong. I felt the bed sink and knew it was him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him.

“Babe, I wish you weren’t so upset,” he said kissing the side of my head. “I know you feel like this is your fault, but it’s really not. No one thinks that. Things like this just happen sometimes.” I didn’t say anything, I just kept crying. He didn’t say anything else, he just held me while I cried. When I had collected myself enough where I could talk I turned and looked at him.

“You know I love you right?” I asked.

“Of course I know you love me,” he said. He held me until I fell back asleep. I didn’t wake up again until my alarm went off at 7. I got out of bed and shook him awake.

“Come on, we gotta go,” I said with a frown on my face. He got up slowly and we got dressed to leave. When we pulled in the parking lot, we were the only cars there which I was glad for. We walked in and they took me back right away. I undressed and put on the gown they gave me and covered with the sheet. I’m not going to get into everything that happened, but Zayn stayed with me the whole time. He held my hand the whole time and kissed my forehead or cheeks every now and then, trying to keep me calm. When we got home, I didn’t want to do anything.

“Where do you want to sit? Living room? Pool?” Zayn asked.

“Bed.”  He sighed and looked at me.

“Babe, you can’t just stay in bed and do nothing.” I didn’t say anything; I just stared at the ground like I had been since we left the doctor’s office. He eventually gave in and took me to his bed, pulling back the covers and laying me inside. Do you want me to stay with you for a while?” he asked kissing my forehead.

“No, I just want to be alone,” I said still staring at the ground. He sighed and brushed my hair away from my face. He handed me my phone and looked at me. “If you need anything, call me, please.” He left me in the bed and I let the tears fall after he was gone. I curled up in a ball and clutched the covers to me. I felt wrong; I felt violated. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. After letting my mind race for a while, I tried to block out all the thoughts. It worked eventually and I just stared at the wall. I heard a knock at the door but I didn’t turn to see who it was.

“Jess,” I heard Niall say. I still didn’t turn to him. “We’re all worried about you. You’ve been up here all day. You should come downstairs with us,” he said trying to pull me out of wherever I was. I ignored him. He sighed, and it sounded almost like the one Zayn had let out earlier. “Jess, we want you to know that we love you and care about you. You don’t need to go through this alone. We can help you,” he said rubbing my back. I turned and looked at him.

“I just want to be alone,” I whispered. My voice was scratchy and my throat was dry. I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since breakfast. I turned back over and stared at the wall again. I heard him walk out of the room and I was thankful for the silence. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Niall left, but I heard footsteps coming towards the bed. The bed dipped and I knew it was Zayn.

“Jess, you need to get up. You haven’t eaten all day,” he said pulling at my arm trying to get me to turn over and look at him. I jerked my arm away. “Please,” he begged me. I didn’t respond. I just lay there staring at the wall while I heard him walk away.