Night Sky (Harry Styles)

41. uncovered

CHAPTER 41: UNCOVERED

                            Saturday, July 1st 2017 - Eugene, Oregon

HARRY STYLES

            I roll down the window of my car as I have it parked in front of Jess' house. The cigarette between my lips tastes disgusting and usually I'm not even a smoker. But the mere thought of talking with Jess about Estelle and me made me unsettled and anxious and the only thing that is able to calm me is Estelle but I couldn't bring her with me so I took something else that too calms me. Or at least always has done before but right now I'm not noticing any kind of effect.

 My leg restlessly moves up and down, my knee hitting the steering wheel each time. When I almost reached the cork tip of the cigarette, I take one last drag and then throw it out of the window. I immediately regret smoking but not only because I've got a disgusting taste in my mouth now but also because I didn't think of getting out of my car and therefore broke my own rule: No smoking in my car.

 I rub my sweaty palms over my trousers and then open the car door, lock my car and walk up to Jess' house. Without wasting any more thoughts that only consist of what-if's I ring the bell. The door is opened a few moments later but Jess herself. A smile tugs at her lips and I clear my throat before I enter her house.

 After she closed the door she expectantly looks at me as she stands on her tip toes. Her lips are slightly pursed.

  "Jess, I have to talk to you."

 Jessica sinks back down on her whole feet. Her mouth slightly dropping as she eyes me in confusion.

  "Is that the only reason you're here? You're not gonna stay?" Jess asks since I haven't taken off my shoes yet. I shake my head.

  "Okay then...let's sit down in the living room." She says and walks ahead. I follow her and while she takes a seat on the big white couch, I sit down opposite from her on the white armchair.

  "So what do you have to tell me? All this feels a bit odd right now."

  "I screwed up." I say and Jessica frowns, her brown eyes searching for an answer in my facial expressions.

  "What do you mean? I forgave you."

  "No, that isn't it. I mean yeah I screwed up that part, too but it's another thing I need to talk about," I say and look up from my feet, "Jessica, two weeks ago when I came here and you told me you'd forgive me and that you were willing to give us a try again and I agreed...I didn't---At that time I didn't know about how Stella feels about me. I thought she'd only see me as a friend but she doesn't. She doesn't, okay?"

  "What do you mean? She loves you?"

  "No, she didn't say that. Not yet. She said she'd like me, more than a friend."

  "So what? You love me and I love you. Her feelings toward you don't change anything between us."

  "Yes they do. This changes everything. Jessica, listen, you do mean a lot to me. This one year we spent together wasn't nothing but Stella and I...we're dating. We've been for two weeks and I don't want to lose her." I sound desperate and lost and like a douchebag.

 Jessica looks at me like I just stabbed her from the back while she was telling everyone how great I am. Her brown eyes immediately become dull, or rather emotionless, like her whole world just crashed down in front of her. She looks like she has been on cloud nine all this time and now I pushed her off the edge.

  "So you don't love me?" Her voice is flat and weak. She sounds like she is going to break down any second.

 I wish I could tell her what Estelle means to me without letting it sound like a slap to her face. I want to explain to Jess that it's always been Estelle, ever since I met her.