FNAF on Drugs: Bonnie on Crack, 5 Nerds at Freddy's, and other jacked-up stories

Author's Perverted Math Class

ONE DAY:
Author: Poof
*everyone gets teleported to a school*
Foxy: Why am I wearing a uniform?!
Author: Welcome to school!
Bonnie: Now I see why everyone hates this place. There are people .everywhere. *hides behind Freddy*
Chica: Ohhh, cool! Hi everybody!
Goldie (hitting on a brunette girl): Heyy, ladies.
Brunette: FLIP NAH BRUH *leaves*
Chica: You ready to stay loyal yet?
Author: みんなー！ アサちゃんのさんすう教室はじまるよー！あたいみたいな天才目指して、がんばっていってね！
Everyone, even the normal school-kids: WHAT?!
Author (eye roll, clears throat): Everyone! This is Author-chan's perfect math class! To become a genius like me, do your best!!
Everyone: Ohhhhh.
Author (opens a book titled "Touhou Math Problems"): Ok... Here we go. Problem 21. *clears throat and recites musically:* 紅魔館からバスが出て 始めに三人乗りました 白玉楼で一人降りて 半人だけ乗りました 八雲さんちで二人降りて 結局乗客合計何人だ？

Everyone: Oi, um...
The FNAF crew: WHAT DID SHE SAY?!
Author: A bus left the Scarlet Devil Mansion; three people boarded at the start At Hakugyokurou, one left and half a person boarded At Yakumo-san's house, two people left; so how many passengers in total?
FNAF crew: Ohhh.
Author (closes book): Time's up! The answer is... ZERO PEOPLE!
Everyone: WHAT?!
Author: Thaaaaaaaat's because... THERE ARE NO BUSES IN GENSOKYO! Hahaha!
*a bus plows through the wall and hits Author square in the back*
Author: MOTHER ****ER!
Chica: PG!
Author (falls to the ground): Screw you...*passes out*
Bonnie: Call the ambulance.
Foxy: No need.
Bonnie: But-!
Foxy: Hey, Author, pull your skirt down in the back!!
Author (springs to her feet): SHUT YOUR TRAP, YOU FREAKING PERVERT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY, YOU SHOULDN'T BE STARING UP A LADIE'S SKIRT ANYWAY!
Mike: That was actually funny.
*a tall girl walks up to the squad and the FNAF crew*
Author (fixing her skirt): Eyyy, Timed_Infinity !
Timed_Infinity : Yoooooo!
Chica: Who is this?
Author: She's my bro, and the new member of the squad!
Timed_Infinity : Da name is Swaggy!
Freddy (facepalms): Oh god why...?
Swaggy: So what do we do first?
Author: Let's watch Death Note and film Foxy and Mike doing dirty things.
Mike: Why, you-!
Foxy (stopping him): Chill, Swaggy'll learn soon enough what dirty things she has in mind.
Swaggy: Two things. I already know, and I brought spare batteries AND tissues.
Foxy: Tissues...?
Swaggy: Fangirls and their nosebleeds.
Foxy: Aye-yai-yai. Flip y'all. *pulls Mike into the hallway and starts French kissing him*
Author (watching the scene with Naz, Human, and Swaggy): see? Always bring tissues. *pulls out some Kleenex to wipe the blood off her lip*
Naz: Pass those things over here. *nose starts gushing blood*
Swaggy: HOLY CRAP ARE THEY-?!
Author: Get the camera, Human, were gonna make millions offa this one.
THE END