The beginning of Gwyn and Azriel

This Is Me Trying

Gwyn had been trying so damn hard.

She had told her self as he stood at her doorway, that she would try, for him...for his shadows.

But then they had reached the pool, and it all became so real and carefree. As if him being beside her... held her own darkness... her weight.

He had called her beautiful and Gwyn's legs went weak.

He had told her to never cut the knife deep.

Gwyn could have sobbed at his feet.

Because he stared at her....like he actually cared.

And it was not out of that dreaded pity...but with another expression.

She had wanted to try so hard.

But then he brought up the stones and she was back in that dark pit of worthlessness.

Gwyn needed to run away as a fast as she could. She did not allow him to see the tears that were racing down her cheeks.

She could not let him see that she was still crumbling every, single, step, of the way.

Her feet moved quickly to the safety of her room and she slammed the door shut.

Then she was sliding down to the door, her head placed between her raised knees.

And she cried.

And cried.

The rain began to patter outside, splashing on the window with its rhythmic sounds.

Gwyn remained in that position all night.

Even when she felt him near her door again, his hands reaching the knob.

She had hoped he would not knock.

Because at that moment...she could not try.

Not try to put on a brave face.

So she allowed the rain continue its patterns on the glass.

And the next morning, she almost did not want to wake up to watch the sunrise with Tamlin.

But, he would be waiting for her outside, and Gwyn felt a gnawing shame if she left him like that.

So ,she woke up and tried again.

Tamlin was extremely gentle with her as they trained her magic. It seemed that he must have heard or felt her tears as she dashed through the court last night.

Gwyn tried not to allow her embarrassment to peak her skin.

He wanted her to perform a mental manifesting spell today. So she sat cross legged in the grass with her eyes closed, right beside Tamlin.

They could both feel how unmotivated she had become.

"Please, Gwyneth..you have to try," his voice trembled.

She took in a long breath, "Tamlin...this is me trying."

And she did not know why, but she leaned her head against his muzzle, breathing in the scent of his fur.

He remained seated as still as possible.

"Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try...it will never be enough...that you will never be enough," she asked in his fur, tears appearing in her eyes.

He lowered his head...in shame. "I think about that every single day, Gwyneth."

There was a long pause.