sunrise no sunshine | Buenvenidez Series #3 [ COMPLETED ]

50

All my life, I know everything I wanted.

Strong-willed; determined; never hesitant; confident; and unwavering— that is who I am. That is how people often describes me. I was that kid who always knew she belongs to theater. I was that girl who already decided what shoes, clothes and bags will she be taking home.

I was also that woman who knew herself more than anyone else and I never thought I will come to an end thinking that I was wrong my whole life. That I am also hesitant, indecisive and uncertain with what I really wanted. I am not perfect, that's the truth. I am chaotic. I decide and do things without even thinking, I utter words and I am not aware that it may hurt other people. I am just like other people. I go through phases and bad days, I made mistakes and I've become selfish either way.

I'm never gonna regret the version of who I am now. I may be uncertain but I've learned a lot. I may be hesitant to choose what I want and what makes me happy but I learned to appreciate it even more. And I think that is the most important thing in my life right now. The things I learned, the people I gained, the lessons I am bringing with me on the next days of my life.

Looking back to when I reset my whole life and looking now to where it brought me, I think it's all worth it.

I found myself after a long haul, not with anyone else, but with only me. I found where I am happy not because there are other people contributing to it but because it is where I feel most at peace.

And that is the most important thing I learned. To make myself a home. To make myself the best person for me. Because it's not anymore about the things I wanted but it's the things I needed. And it is me. I need myself.

At masaya akong mahanap ang sarili ko na payapa sa lugar kung nasaan ako ngayon.

Brett is a nice person. He is. Ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan sa kanya noon. The way he always reminds me that it's okay if I leave him for the man I loved, the way he could easily let go of me like he didn't loved me and we weren't happy.. those are few things that I didn't understand before but I understand now.

He turn loose because he wanted me free. Buong panahon na hinahanap ko ang sarili ko, siya ang nandoon para suportahan ako. When I needed someone to make me feel loved, he was there, and there's no doubt why I fell for him. However, at the end of the day, I still keep on holding back to something I left years ago. At siguro nakita na niya 'yon bago ko pa makita sa sarili ko. Alam niya na 'yon bago ko pa matanggap.

"So.. it's him?" He glanced at the car where I went out. Mariin kong pinagdikit ang mga labi ko saka dahan dahang tumango.

He then sighed heavily and looked at me straight to my eyes. The pain is evident. I could see it through his stares.

"Naiintindihan mo na ba ako ngayon?" Tanong niya.

Tumango ako, hindi parin makapagsalita.

"Kung bakit palagi akong handang bitawan ka..." he trade off.

"Kasi alam mong babalik ako sa kanya." I finished his sentence. Siya naman itong tumango ngayon.

"And I'm so happy you did it, Kestrielle. Kahit masakit na hindi ako ang pinili mo, masaya ako dahil alam kong dyan ka masaya. Sa kanya." Aniya.

I breathe heavily and my chest throbbed. I am hurting because he's hurting. Hindi ko naman ipagkakailang minahal ko si Brett. Minahal ko siya, totoo 'yon.

"I'm sorry, Brett.."

Lately, I've been really sorry about my decisions. Last night, nagbreakdown ako kay Caius. I just felt guilty dahil pareho ko silang nasasaktan. It wasn't my intention but I know I was still liable.