'Partners forever' // An Upstead Story 🤍

Chapter 49: Therapist

Hailey's POV
"How are you feeling today?" She asks. "Right now?" I ask "Yeah" she nods. "I feel lost, empty." I sigh as I lean back into the couch. "I feel like I am drowning in so much guilt I can't even breath" I whimper as I run my hands through my hair. "Why do you feel guiltily?" She asks confused. "I feel guilty that Faith died instead of me. I-I feel guilty that I hit and pushed my fiancé around. I feel guilty that I put Jay in a position where he had to find me on the floor. And I feel guilty that it didn't even work!" I say angrily.

"Hailey that guilt that you feel inside is going to ruin everything. Your job, your friendships, your relationships and your life. It's going to kill you if you don't forgive yourself." She says. "This wouldn't be happening if it just worked!" I yell annoyed. "Hailey it didn't work for reason" she says. "Well what is that reason?!" I ask. "I'm afraid your gonna have to see and figure out that for yourself" she says. I let out a frustrated sigh. "Wow that was really helpful thank you" I say irritated. "I can tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty for pushing Jay because he didn't care he was just trying to help you and you didn't hurt him" she says. "That doesn't matter, it doesn't give me the right to lay a hand on him. He's my partner, my fiancé, I should never used him as a punching bag just to make myself feel better" I say. "Your right it doesn't but he forgives you" she says emphasising on the 'forgives' as if it's gonna make me feel better.

"You know everywhere I turn I can see her, laughing and living her life. Smiling at me with her contagious grin on her face." I say. "Maybe that's a sign of telling you that she's okay and happy?" She suggests.
"I can't, I really can't believe that because I took that away from her, i took life away from her. I did this to her." I say sadly. "Did you ask to be followed and watched?? Did you pull the trigger?? No you didn't, so you have to let it go. You did nothing wrong. It was not your fault." She says. "You know everyone keep saying that to me but I don't believe it" I say annoyed. "I became a cop to save people. To feel like I could fix people's life's and help them because I couldn't fix mine. But me becoming a cop ended up ending someone's life. Faith saved my life when we were kids like a million time and she means the world to me, but me trying to do good stoped her from living her life" I say as a tear rolls down my cheek.

"Do you really think Faith blames you?" She asks confused. "It's not whether she blames me it that it was my fault! It wasn't an accident it was a hit. A hit which was planted on me not her!" I cry. "But you knew that this is a risk you have to take being a cop. Your family in friends will be in danger to" she says.
"Yeah but I don't have a proper family, I don't go visit them ever damn day and by doing that I keep them safe and Faith was safe! Until I asked her to stay longer because I was selfish and wasn't thinking straight!" I yell. "How was it selfish?" She asks. I look up at her. "Was It selfish because you wanted to live a normal life and go out with your best friend? Was It selfish because you wanted to spend time with her? It was selfish that she actually wanted to stay and spend time with you and Jay?" She asks.

I feel myself start to cry. "She was better off when I just called her and messaged" I whisper quietly. "How can you possibly live like that" she asks. I shrug my shoulders and wipe away my tears. "It worked" I sigh. "Hailey what happened was NOT your fault. You had no idea what was going on and you couldn't of stopped what was going happen. If it wasn't Faith it could've been Jay, or Kim, or Adam or anyone that you love" she says. "But why can't it be me! There out to get me! Why does everyone I love have to be in danger because of my problems!" I cry.
She doesn't say anything she just looks at me sympathetically. "I don't know Hailey, sometime life just isn't fair but you can't control it" she says.

"When we were kids Faith used to always help me and this is how I repay her? Getting her killed?" I say irritated. "Hailey what happened was NOT your fault. You need to learn to forgive yourself for what happened. Your holding in too much pain and guilt." She says. I close my eyes and not my lip, trying to stop myself from breaking down. "This was a terrible tragic accident. There was nothing you could of done to change what happened. You attended to her and kept her alive and got her to the hospital. What happened after that was out of your control" she says. A tear rolls down my cheek as I look back up at her.

"I feel like I'm being haunted by her. All these memories keep flooding back, some good and some bad. They hurt me. She was happy and beautiful and now I feel like she's lonely and in pain. That though kills me. I don't know if she's trying to get back at me." I cry. "I think that that is your brain trying to let the guilt escape. It's showing you them to help you face it" she says. "It feels heavy" I cry. "I know but that will pass" she says. "I need to know if what I heard from her was dream" I say quietly. "What do you mean?" She asks. "When i passed out from the pills I woke up in a field. Everything was calm and peaceful. She was there and I could hold her, it was like it was real. She told me that it's wasn't my fault and the she is always with me" I cry. "I just need to know that I wasn't making it up and that she doesn't actually blame me" I whimper.

"Hailey maybe it was real. Maybe she was sending you a message that she is okay and that she forgives you." She says. I nod and I feel myself burst into tears. "I miss her so much" I cry. "I know and you always will but one day it will be easier and it won't be as heavy. But until then you have to talk about it. Whether it's with me or Jay just someone. You can't keep it inside anymore Hailey that's not gonna work. Not anymore." she says. I nod as I wipe the tears off my cheeks. "I know" I sigh.