Peter remembers dying. He remembers his body ripping into dust while it tried to build itself back up. He remembers how it burned. The pain of being torn apart and then immediately put back together again just to be broken again. He remembers being in Tony's arms, begging for the pain to stop, begging to let him stay. He knew Tony couldn't do anything, he knew that very well but he was scared. Tony was scared, he saw it in his eyes. He saw the fear and pain, the concern and sadness. He'll never forget his eyes. The image of scared, sad brown eyes looking down at him.
Everytime he sees his eyes he's brought back to Tony's final moments, they way he slumped up against a rock. How half of Tony's body was burned. His eyes. His eyes looking grey and bloodshot. How his eyes lost its life them. Peter can remember his heart beat slowing down till it stopped. It stopped so suddenly and Peter knew it was over, he was gone. Tony Stark was dead. There was no coming back from death this time. No dust. No gauntlet. No stones. Just Tony's body, laying there half burned still in the Ironman armor.
Peter could never look at the armor the same. All over TV was the news about the great Tony Stark, sacrificing his life, but they always showed the Ironman suit and Peter felt sick everytime. On the TV, it was clean and put together, it looked like it was brand new. No one else will ever see it broken down and burned. No one else will see the light of the arc reactor stop shining, but Peter will. Peter sees it every night. When he closes his eyes his dreams turn to nightmares digging up every single memory of it. The dusting, Tony dying, the funeral. It's all on replay in his head. It never stops, it's a constant loop. Even when he's awake he sees it.
Peter can still feel the burning sensation on his skin. Every now and then he checks his arms and legs to make sure he's not disappearing again. He'll wake up in the middle of night out of fear that he'd be gone again but this time with no chance of coming back. He's scared one day it'll happen again. That He'll watch helplessly as every inch of himself is torn to tiny pieces and carried off into the New York sky by the wind. He's scared He'll feel all the pain of it again. He's scared because he knows he won't come back this time. He knows it.
Walking down the street is hard enough already. It's like Peter's senses are constantly on full blast, he can feel every piece of cotton on his shirt touching his chest, his jacket on his arms, the air on his face and it all feels like needles poking him over and over again. He hates it. He hates it so much, it never stops. He wants it to stop.
He finds himself checking the sky every once and awhile when he's walking home from school, just incase. Just incase another attack comes. Just incase another ship crashes down. Just incase he needs to leave everyone behind and go directly into space and fight till his last breath. Just incase, but He can't do it again, he can't handle the thought of going back up there.
Peter knows he's changed. He's more quiet, reserved. He feels so tired. He's grateful he still has friends at this point. He'll go for weeks without answering calls or texts. He can't bring himself to do it. He knows he should but he can't and he feels horrible. MJ and Ned constantly remind him it's ok, it's ok that he needs time still, that they won't give up on him, but he still feels bad.
It's been a month since everything happened. Everyone else has seemed to move on, but Peter can't for some reason. He wants to so bad but he can't. He wants to forget everything. He wants things to go back to normal. He wants things to be ok. He wants to be able to put on the Spider-Man suit without breaking down into tears and not being able to breathe. He wants Tony.
He wants Tony.
He wants Tony to came back so bad. Everything leads back to him. That man was like a father to him and he's gone now. He's dead. Just like Ben, just like his Dad, just like his mom and none of them are coming back, Tony's not coming back.
It's like there's static in his head blocking out everything good and only letting him see the bad. Only letting him feel sad and tired and not anything else. He wants it to stop but he doesn't know how to stop it. He wants to be happy again, he wants to move on, he wants to be Spider-Man again.
But Spider-Man is strong and Peter isn't. He can't even put on the suit. He can't even look at it. He keeps it locked behind his closet doors, never to be touched or worn. He still remembers when he tried to put it on again. Right when he touched the spider on his chest and the suit shrinked to fit him perfectly it felt wrong.
He felt wrong. He looked down at his shaking hands and remembered watching them turn to dust, his fingertips burning like they were on fire. The burning feeling was all over his body again and suddenly he couldn't breathe. He couldn't move because it was happening again and no one was here to catch him this time. Peter immediately took the suit off and quickly got dressed before fully breaking down on his bedroom floor next to the discarded Spidey suit.
He couldn't breathe and he felt his tears trail down his face. He doesn't wanna feel like this.
He knows May is worried about him, so are Ned and MJ but he can't bring himself to say anything. When he thinks about, it's stupid. He's acting like a child. He is child. A child who's seen too much, a child who knows too much. He should be able to handle it, but he can't. It's like carrying a cup filled to the brim with water. One wrong move and it's going to spill everywhere. It'll turn to a mess on the ground. An inconvenience.
He feels like an inconvenience and he'll make the feeling worse if he asks for help.
Ned always gives him worried glances in class and at lunch. He's been doing fine in school. School is nothing to him compared to whatever was going on his is head, but still there are hard days. Days like when the school decided to honor Ironman. All day.
He only made it to 2nd period before he had to leave and breakdown in the bathroom. Ned had followed him and found him. That's when Peter spilled everything to him, how he felt, how hard it's been. Ned didn't say anything at first and Peter had thought he ruined everything. That he was too much and unloaded too much on Ned but then he hugged him. Ned hugged Peter and simply said: 'I'm here for you and I love you.'
That's when he knew things could possibly get better. That things one day could be ok, he felt a small weight lift off his shoulders while he was in Ned's arms. He felt safe. He felt ok. Things will get better.
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HEY IM BACK LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ANGST 😩 IM SO SORRY FOR LEAVING FOR AHWILE I had no motivation to write, I still kinda don't but idk this just came out of nowhere yk? Like a word vomit lol but enjoy some endgame angst and slightly implied peterned cuz I love them, this was fun cuz I got to project onto Peter lmfaodjsksj also it's missing Tony hours 🤚😔💔 I MISS HIM SO MUCH PLEASE-
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💫🧚♀️Spiderman/mcu oneshots🧚♀️💫 (Book 1)
Acción(U can skip the first 3 chapters they suck lol, I promise my writing gets better) I might do this idk, I love giving in to my obsessions 🙄😌 this will probably be like: angst, field trips to stark tower, some ships, spider bros(miles and Peter bein...
