don't look back

four|| crutial

TW: Anxiety attack minor self-harm.

Sage

August 25, 2018.

5 am. I'm waking up at fucking 5 am due to my stomach vigorously grumbling. I clutched my stomach, feeling like I could barf from the amount of hunger I was experiencing. I threw the covers off my body, turning on a lamp and stumbling over to the fridge. Upon opening the door and being hit with cold air, all that could be seen was a bottle of water.

"Fuck," I groaned, rubbing my tired eyes. Mustering up as much energy as I possibly could; I took two steps over to my bathroom and washed my face, brushed my teeth, and applied deodorant. Scavenging my dresser I pulled out a pair of black sweatpants and a slightly oversized hoodie.

Grabbing my bag, keys, and phone I walked out of my cozy cocoon and hit the elevator button to take me down to the main floor. The sky was still black as I strolled down the streets, anxiety being at an all-time high. I wouldn't normally walk the streets alone in the dark but my stomach screaming at me made me do it.

My eyes were wide and darting in every direction, attempting to spot out any potentially dangerous situations. I quickly ran into the Starbucks, only realizing I was out of breath as I walked up to the counter.

"Good morning!" The barista smiled, "What can I get for you this morning?"

"Umm, a Trenta iced coffee and...a-an everything beagle with butter," I stuttered out breathlessly.

"For sure, can I get your name?"

"Sage," I spoke labouredly, handing the barista my card.

I sat down at a table waiting for my drink and beagle; my leg bouncing up and down involuntarily. My head snapping in every direction with every noise I heard. Starbucks is surprisingly crowded for it being five in the fucking morning.

After receiving my iced coffee and beagle, I ate extremely to fast, anxious to get out of the crowded room. After finishing, the sun was starting to rise.

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I was trying to multitask; rolling the cart down the aisle, stop a panic attack, and think of any food I may need. So far my cart had milk, cereal, chocolate, and some fruit. As I was grabbing apple juice, my body began to heat up and in one blink my entire body went numb.

My body shook and my head pounded. I gasped for air as my throat began to squeeze shut. I dropped the apple juice and kneeled down on the floor, grasping my wrist in one hand.

My eyes squeezed shut as the dizziness and nausea kicked in. I couldn't feel a thing, it's like a billion balloons were attached to my neck choking me and making me fade away into the sky. A ton of bricks weighing on my chest.
Breathe just breathe, I tried to tell myself.

After about a minute I felt a hand gently rest on my shoulder which caused me to jolt up in a panic. Without seeing who it was I ran to the checkout. I began scanning my items at lightning speed as sweat began to coat my forehead. I swiped my card and without waiting for the receipt I clutched the items I had and ran out of the store.

As soon as I got outside I sat against the building with my knees up to my chest. I clutched my wrist, a horrible coping mechanism I have, and squeezed my nails into my flesh until I could physically feel again.

After who knows how long, I lifted my head, seeing my few items scattered around me. A few deep breaths later I had them all in my hands as I walked the few blocks home.

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I was woken up to my phone nonstop ringing, making me groan. I didn't bother picking up, too exhausted to even think about talking to anyone. I have dozens of texts from my parents and many more from my friends...I just don't have the mental energy to do anything about it today.

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A/N: Another short one🙈 but, I'm already working on the next chapter so don't be mad.