don't look back

twenty seven|| guilt

Billie.
November 10, 2018.

It's been five days since I've seen Sage's beautiful face and I can't even begin to explain how much I miss her. The time in new york was torture. All I wanted to do was hold Sage in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I don't care what she decides to do, honestly, I support her with whatever she decides, although having a baby around would be difficult; I'd be by her side the whole time.

After a long-ass flight and what felt like an equally long drive, I pulled up to her apartment building and ran into the elevator that took me to her floor. Running down the carpeted hall, I shoved a key into the door and twisted it. She decided to give me a spare key to her apartment in case of any emergencies. Once slinging the door open, she was sat on the edge of her bed, her face in her hands as she shook lightly.

"Baby," I called out. I hope she hasn't been crying for five days straight. I called her every free second I had but she never answered, instead just sending me a text that read 'I need some time.'

She looked up at me with sorrowful eyes, tear-stained cheeks, bloodshot eyes, and messy hair. "I'm not pregnant anymore."

My eyes furrowed together as I walked up to her, kneeling in front of her and clasping both her hands in mine. "Why are you crying, babygirl?"

"I feel..guilty," she admits, making me wrap my arms around her small but perfect figure. She's so precious and there's absolutely no reason she needs to feel guilty. She made a decision that was right for her.

"You have no reason to feel guilty. Why do you feel that way?" I pulled back, placing my hands on her shoulders. I just want to see her smile again.

I watched as she took a moment to compose herself before speaking, "I might have told Sophia that I was pregnant and she wanted me to have the baby."

"It's not her place to tell you what to do. Believe me, you made a decision that was right for you, I just wish I could have been by your side through it all."

"Me too," she frowned before burrowing her face in my neck. I held her tightly and let out a deep breath. I swayed her back and forth lightly before she broke the silence.

"I'm scared, Billie."

"Of what?"

"Sophia. She is crazy, I'm scared of what she'll do."

"I got you," I reassured her, only hugging her tighter.

-

"A horror movie?" Paisley questioned.

"Yeah, I'm down for that. Sage?" I look over at my girlfriend, only to see her zoned out again. She's been zoned out all day. When Paisley got back from the store we started talking and laughing but Sage didn't say a word, its like she's in her own little world.

"What?" She looked up at me.

"You good with watching a horror movie?" I asked again.

"I-uh, I think I'm actually just gonna take a walk," she stood up from the bed, throwing on a hoodie.

"Sage, it's late and dark, that's not such a goo-"

"I'm fine," Sage interrupted Paisley.

"Baby, she's right. If you want to go somewhere, I can drive you."

"Thanks, but I just need some space," she blurted out before exiting the apartment, slamming her door on the way out.

"I'll go," I announced to Paisley before hopping off the couch and running after Sage, not bothering to put shoes on.

"Sage, wait!" I called out to her, seeing her escape into the elevator. "Shit," I mumbled to myself before opening the doors to the stairs and running down them as fast as I could. I waited by the elevators knowing I beat them on the way down.

The doors slowly opened, revealing a beautiful redhead with tears streaming down her cheeks. Once she looked up, she rolled her eyes at me, walking past me.

"Sage, please talk to me," I pleaded with desperate eyes.

"Billie? Billie Eilish? Oh my god!" I heard my name being shouted and looked around the lobby, my eyes landing on a group of teenage girls. They began walking towards me, my eyes met Sage's one more time before she pushed open the doors and disappeared into the city.

"Hi girls," I planted a fake smile on my lips and began to converse with the three girls. I took pictures and hugged each one of them. I knew that this was clearly a big moment for them since they all broke out in tears, I had to pretend everything was okay. I have to do it for them.

Once they left I knew she'd be long gone but I still decided to check outside the building, to my surprise she was sitting on the paved side walk, her back against the building as she stares forward at nothing. I let out a sigh of relief before walking over to her and sitting down next to her without a word. "I'm sorry," she whispered, still looking into nothingness.

I shook my head 'no' and reached out my hand to grasp hers in mine. "Let's get some sleep?" I proposed.

"Yeah," she breathed out. I stood up and helped her up before we made our way upstairs.

-

A/N: So, I'm currently sitting in my living room. MY living room. MINE. MY OWN HOUSE. I fully moved in today and I'm beyond happy to finally be living on my own. Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but clearly I've been busy. I love you.

Want to see pictures of my house? It's adorable!