don't look back

eleven|| empty

TW: Self-harm.

Sage.

September 11, 2018.

It's been a week since Billie accidentally walked into my studio. It's been six days since we have been non-stop been texting. I didn't expect to her to text me about anything besides music; but to my surprise we've been texting a lot about random shit. She'd tell me what she was doing for the day and I would do the same. Eventually I had the guts to send her some lyrics and she claims to love them but I don't believe her. Other than that it's mostly been small talk and joking around. The night I started texting her, we didn't stop till 2 am. I can't say I'm mad about it. She's funny and caring. I want to get to know her more, I'm just not sure how. We have face timed a few times and every time her smile takes the breath out of my lungs.

I can't figure her out, she's hard to read sometimes. I've mostly been trying to figure out her sexuality but that doesn't come up in small talk. What am I supposed to say? 'Hey just wondering if you're into girls because I think I'm gaining a tiny crush on you." I don't think so.

Currently, I'm stressing over how I look. This rarely ever happens but a certain blue-haired beauty is going to show up at my doorstep any minute. I already cleaned the entire apartment twice even though it was already cleaner than a hospital room. She had texted me saying that she was free for the day and bored, I also had nothing to do, because I never do. She's the one who suggested we hang out, I obviously don't want to go out in public so I invited her here. She doesn't know about my diagnosis with social anxiety and I'm afraid if she does find out she wouldn't want to talk to me. The past friendships I had got destroyed because of it, they were upset that I never wanted to go to the mall or movies.

I heard a soft knock on my door, making me flinch. Quickly running a hand through my hair I took a quick glance at my basically bare apartment before making my way to the door. Taking a deep breath I opened it up and was met with smiling lips and piercing hooded eyes.

"Hey," she smiled.

"Hey," I responded, moving to the side to let her in. I took in her whole outfit and damn did that bandana look hot on her.

"Sorry I don't have a couch or table yet," I apologized. I didn't think through the fact that the only place to sit is my bed or the floor.

"Nah, it's no problem," she assured me.

"You can sit on the bed though," I sat down on one end of the bed as she nodded while sitting on the other side.

"So Sage," she faced me, giving me her total attention, "Tell me about yourself."

"You already know about me," I chuckled, not knowing how to answer that loaded question.

"No, tell me about what I don't already know. I know you have a sister, do you have any other siblings?" She sprawled out her legs, leaning against the back wall. I sat criss-cross applesauce facing her.

"Yeah, I have a brother named Felix, he actually taught me almost everything I know about music," I smiled. I'm surprised this isn't more awkward.

"So, what about your parents? What are they like?" She asked.

"They're great. They've always been supportive of me and who I am," I bit the inside of my cheek.

"We should play a game," Billie smirked.

"I don't have any games."

"Nah, I mean like 21 questions, I want to get to know you better Sage," she explained with hooded eyes, making my knees weak. Billie Eilish wants to know me better?

"Alright, go ahead," I chuckled. She wouldn't dig too deep yet, right?

"Okay 1, are you single?"

"Yeah"

"You got a crush on anyone?" She raised a brow.

"Ugh, maybe," I responded, looking down at my lap.

Billie POV

I wanted to ask her a few questions in specific, three of them being; whats with the nail marks on your wrist? Why is your fridge so empty? And, Are you into girls? She seems a little shy so I don't know how to approach these questions.

"So you do. Why are you shy about it?"

"I'm skipping that one," she shook her head.

"Fine," I chuckled, "Okay, the other day in the studio you said you keep writing about the same thing. From the few lyrics you've sent me, I get the feeling that you hate people. Is that true?"

"I mean..." she let out a deep exhale, "I hate some people but it's more like I'm afraid of people," she explained, fidgeting with the small bracelet on her left wrist.

"Why?"

"I-umm. I am diagnosed with social anxiety and," she took a moment to clear her throat, "It's been a huge part of my life and it's controlled everything I do so I write about it a lot."

"I'm sorry," I frowned, genuinely feeling sorry for the redhead angel sitting in front of me. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I wasn't exactly planning on sharing it with you but here we are," she chuckled dryly, looking up from her lap and into my eyes.

"Just know that I'm someone you can talk to. I'll never judge you, okay?" I sat up straight.

She nodded her head just as her phone began ringing. "I think I need to answer this," she stood up.

"Go ahead," I smiled back before she answered the phone.

-

Sage POV

"Hello?" I answered the phone.

"Hey, this is Charles. I got a call from Andrew called me. I work with Interscope and I was told you would be a perfect person for me to work with. I was wondering if we could meet at the studio tomorrow?"

"Um, yeah sure," I stuttered subconsciously.

"Great. I have studio #3 booked for 1 pm. Sound good?"

"Yeah."

"See you then Sage."

I hung up quickly, wanting to get over with this awkward phone call. He couldn't have just texted me?

"Who was that?" Billie asked.

"Oh, some guy named Charles. He's my producer now I guess," I shrugged, taking my previous position on the bed. Billie began speaking but I was completely zoned out. Why do I always have to get so nervous about meeting new people? Will he like my music? Is he nice? Will he like me as a person? What am I going to wear? What if I'm late? Or what if I'm too early? What time do I need to leave so I'm there right on time? Is getting their right on time weird? Should I be a few minutes late or a few minutes early?

"Sage," Billie's voice snapped me out of my spiralling irrational questions.

"W-what?" I came back to reality and realized she had a look of concern plastered on her face.

"I said stop please, don't hurt yourself," she spoke softly, her gentle hand pressed on my right hand where I hadn't even realized my nails were digging into my wrist.

"Oh-I sorry," I shuddered at her touch. "I don't-I didn't-"

"It's okay, I get it. It's your coping mechanism?"

"I umm, I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore," I breathed out. I thought her knowing all of this would make it worse but I feel very at peace.

"Should we make something to eat?" She smiled softly. I nodded my head without another thought and we both got off our bed, walking to the kitchenette.

I opened my fridge as she stood behind me. That's when I realized all I have is some fruit and water. I slammed the door shut with embarrassment. "We could go get something to eat?" She asked.

"Yeah, sure."

-

A/N: This chapter took me fucking forever. I can't decide how fast I want things to go. UGH. Anyways, I love you, don't forget to vote besties.