don't look back

thirty nine|| crazy

A/N: Not edited at all lmao. Also, this is the second last chapter...fuckin finally!

Sage.

January 19, 2019.

"This is crazy, I can't do this," I shake my head, Billie grasping both of my hands in hers.

"You can do this," she says sternly, "you are passionate about this and you can do this, just forget that they're there."

"Sage, two minutes," A stage manager tells me, popping their head through the door.

"Okay," I breathe out and they nod their head before closing the door again.

"I'll be on side stage the entire time, I won't leave," Billie assures me.

"Promise?"

"Promise," she whispers, placing her hands on my cheeks and pressing her lips to mine.

"Let's do this," I say, trying to hype myself up. My earpiece has already been fitted so I walk backstage onto the side stage where a crowd is heard cheering. There's a 2000 Cap for this venue and it sold out in minutes which is absolutely insane.

My mind focuses on one thing only, the music in my ear and my feet slowly taking me onto the stage. I look out and luckily the lights are so blinding it's hard to see everyone. I can't believe 2000 sets of eyes are on me right now.

"I wanna get you in my spaces
I wanna take you different places," I begin singing and I can somehow feel the energy of the faces in front of me, hear them singing along.

"Cause I've been scared of crowded places
Come with me, I'll take you home," I get to the chorus and it's like every anxious nerve has flown out the window, been sucked up by the crowd in front of me. All I feel is love, understanding, and more love.

The show goes on and I sing every song on my EP, playing the ukulele for some of them. I even felt comfortable dancing around a little to some of them and talking to the crowd a little.

I wave goodbye, blowing kisses and thanking everyone for coming before walking off stage, handing the microphone to a stage crew member and jumping into Billie's arms.

She lifts me, her arms holding me up as I wrap my legs around her waist. "I'm so proud of you," She exclaims with a smile, a tear rolling down her cheek.

I don't reply, instead, wrapping my arms around her neck and smash her lips to mine. Something felt so freeing, I felt so alive, so comfortable, so...happy.

I drop my feet back down to the floor, taking Billie's hand in mine and running towards the green room with her by my side.

I step inside the room, taking a deep breath of relief. I'm honestly so proud of myself. I can't believe I just did that without having a panic attack, not just that but I thoroughly only enjoyed myself!

"What the fuck?" I shout when I look up and see Felix sitting on the couch with Paisley next to him.

"Hi sis," he waves. I would be excited about this but something seems off and he's been a bitch to me lately. He hasn't been answering my calls or texts.

"I-What's going on? Are mom and dad okay?"

"Yeah, they're good," Felix nods. "Can I talk to you?"

"Um, yeah," I nod my head hesitantly, sending Billie a 'give me a second look. She smiles at me softly, squeezing my hand gently before leaving the room, Paisley following her.

"What's going on?" I ask, grabbing a water bottle from the counter before sitting on an armchair across from him.

"So," he clears his throat, head down and hands in his lap. "I'm sorry I haven't been the best brother. I feel like I've resented you for a really long time but that's not an excuse for treating you like shit."

"Felix, what's going on?"

He finally looks up at me and I notice a few tears falling from his eyes. "I've been jealous of you for a long time. I mean, you were always authentically yourself, you didn't care what people said or what I said, and then you perused your dream and moved to LA and now you're fucking famous!"

"What do you mean 'authentically yourself?' I was hiding for years, I didn't talk until I was ten and panic attacks have held me back for years."

"You came out," he says simply, wiping his tears away.

"Wha-"

"Sage, I'm gay. I only started questioning who I was and why I felt certain ways when you came out. I had extremely bad internalized homophobia and was so jealous of you accepting yourself and coming out," he pauses to take a deep breath through his cries. "I didn't understand how you could just be you and I know I'd leave the room when you brought up liking a girl or something and it's because I couldn't handle the fact that you were so okay with everything," he breaks down and I can't help listening any longer so I hop off my chair to engulf him in a big bear hug. I hold him while he catches his breath, letting out a few of my own tears. If only I had known this years ago...

"You did really good tonight," he chuckles.

"You watched the show?" I asked, pulling away.

"Of course I watched it! It was your first live show and you thought I'd miss it?"

"I mean..." I trail off.

"I'm really sorry Sage," he says sincerely.

"It's okay, I forgive you," I pulled him in for another quick hug just as there was a knock on the door. "Come in!"

"Hey, everything alright?" Paisley asks.

"Yeah," Felix nods with a closed-mouth smile. "Paisley knows, I just told her before your show," Felix explains.

"Mom and dad?" I question, wondering who all knows now.

"I came out to them and they helped me book a flight out here as soon as possible."

"I'm sad they couldn't come to watch my show but I'm glad I at least have you guys and of course my beautiful girlfriend. Speaking of her, where is she?"

"She's talking with one of her managers I think," Paisley shrugs.

"I'm gonna go find her," I announce before walking outside of the room and down the corridor. I spot her talking to her manager and see her nod her head before turning around towards me.

"Hi baby," she beams, "everything okay?"

"Yeah, great actually," I nod my head with a soft smile.

"I have some exciting news," she tells me, holding back some excitement.

"What is it?"