don't look back

fifteen|| unwanted introductions

Song used in this chapter; Killing Me To Love You- Vancouver Sleep Clinic

Sage.

September 15, 2018.

My head snapped back to see...."Sophia?" I stuttered, slowly standing up from my previous position, my heart rate beginning to speed up quickly.

"W-what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing. I'm here for university, I walk here every night. You remember my dream school, don't you?"

"Uh-oh yeah," I nodded, suddenly remembering who I'm at the park with.

"S-Sophia this is umm- this is Billie. Billie, Sophia," I backed up, my hand clutching my left wrist.

"Hey," Billie smiled politely holding her hand out. I watched as they shook hands, my lungs closing together slowly, failing to find oxygen.

"Hi, so nice to meet you," Sophia smiled back. To anyone else that smile looks like the sweetest one in the world, I did at first. Now, it just looks like pure evil to me.

"We were just leaving, but see you around," Billie waved, quickly picking up our trash and her blanket.

Billie linked my arm with hers and led me to the car, opening to door for me but before the door closed I heard Sophia shout, "MAYBE YOU COULD UNBLOCK ME!"

My hands began to shake and I could feel a panic attack begin. The memories of her began flooding through my head at high speed. They aren't all bad, but there wasn't one happy memory coming to my mind right now.

"Hey," Billie echoed softly, placing her hand over top of mine. "Look at me," she spoke, reaching under my chin gently with her other hand. My eyes met hers and in almost an instant the tornado of horrible memories floated away.

"You're okay, it's okay," she assured me with a cute smile. I nodded my head and swallowed hard, tingles ran up my spine. No one, not a single other soul can stop a panic attack like she just did. "Let's get you home?" She asked softly.

"Yeah," I breathed out with a nod. The whole way back to my apartment her hand didn't leave mine. Occasionally she would squeeze it or gently stroke the back of her thumb on my knuckles making my entire body heat up.

Once we pulled up to my apartment a wave of sadness flooded my body. I didn't want her to leave, especially after seeing Sophia. I needed someone here. "Billie?"

"Yeah?" She glanced at me with a sparkle in her eyes as the car came to a stop.

"Can you stay the night?" I asked in almost a whisper, afraid of being rejected. She responded by nodding with a large smile.

-

I walked out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body and one in my hair before walking out to my dresser to grab some comfy clothes. Glancing over at my bed, Billie was strumming my ukulele, seemingly deep in thought.

"I've never heard that? Is it one of your new songs?" I asked, holding a large shirt and shorts in my hands.

Billie looked up quickly scanning her eyes over my body as I was suddenly very aware that all I had on was a towel. "Uh," she cleared her throat, "no, actually I thought it fit perfectly with one of your songs you sent me," she smiled.

"Really?" I asked excitedly.

"Yeah," she chuckled.

"I-I'm gonna go change," I walked back into the bathroom, the shirt covering the small booty shorts I had on underneath. When I came back out, Billie was still strumming away, humming a soft melody.

"That sounds beautiful," I smiled, grabbing my hairbrush and plopping down on the bed beside her.

"Do you have those lyrics somewhere?" She asked. I nodded, opening up my notes and handing my phone to her. As I began brushing through my damp hair, I listened to Billie work my lyrics into her chord progression and melody.

"Your body is broken but you're trying to fight this
Your arms are weary but you're trying to like this

It's growing faster than you're grown

I'm fighting for you
I'm hiding for you
But it's killing me to love youBut it's killing me to love youBut it's killing me to love you

I want to keep faith, but you're making it harder

I'm reaching out now but you're pulling me under

And I can't let go when you still need saving

I'm fighting for you
I'm hiding for you
But it's killing me to love youbut it's killing me to love youBut it's killing me to love you"

I was so hypnotized by her voice that I hadn't even realized I was staring at her when she stopped playing. "Was it awful?" She chuckled.

"N-no, you are just a literal angel," I whispered. She chuckled in response, laying the ukulele down beside her. I cleared my throat, snapping out of the daze before speaking, "It's not finished, just a rough draft," I studdered out, suddenly feeling self-conscious of my lyrics.

"It's perfect, I don't know what you're talking about," she said truthfully, her eyes meeting mine. "Explain it to me from your perspective?"

"Yeah, umm- basically the 'person' is referring to anxiety. It's killing me but I can't get rid of it. This is going to sound crazy but the thought of not having social anxiety scares me just as much as having it for the rest of my life. It's been a part of my identity for so long, I don't know what I would do without it," I explained.

"It's not a part of your identity, It's just a sickness you have; like a cold that you can't shake. It will go away one day and you'll learn to be okay without it."

All I wanted to do was lean forward a few inches and delicately kiss those lips that just spoke truth into my life. Something no one has ever said to me. But instead of kissing her lips, some idiot decided to text my phone, breaking out intense stare at each other. Billie handed me my phone, an unknown number had texted. I decided it wasn't worth my time so I placed the phone on my nightstand and curled up under the covers.

"As beautiful as that song was, Charles wouldn't let me put it out," I sighed as I watched Billie cautiously place my ukulele against the wall.

"What? Why not?" She furrowed her brows.

"He thinks I need to stop writing about social anxiety and I need more electric guitar," I scoffed with an eye roll.

"That's bullshit! The things you make are literally perfect and so different," she exclaimed, walking over to my dresser.

"Well, my producer doesn't agree.... also feel free to rummage through my drawers to find something to sleep in."

"I'm getting you a new producer," she said bluntly, opening up one of the drawers and pulling out a random oversized shirt.

"You can't just get me a new producer."

"I can if it's my brother," she retorted.

"You'd do that?"

"Anything for you," she winked before walking into the bathroom.

a/n: this wasn't proof read.

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT BILLIES NEW SONG OMG 🤍🤍