don't look back

thirty one|| it's not okay

Sage.
December 5, 2018.

"Babe," Billie gets my attention as we're cuddled on my bed.

"Hmm?" I question, not removing my eyes from my phone.

"Can we go out? I want to go buy some Christmas decorations with you!"

"I.. go out? Like where?" I stutter out, anxious at the thought of going anywhere public.

"Just Target or something," she shrugged. I got up and walked into the bathroom without saying anything, my intrusive thoughts getting the best of me. Billie has been asking me to go out to many different places for a few weeks now. I just can't fathom being in a crowded store, not just that but Billie would get noticed for sure and it drives me insane. I hate myself for it, I wish I could be normal; I wish I could go out and not feel on edge the entire time.

A knock on the bathroom door breaks me from my thoughts, I remove my hands from my head where I was nearly ripping my hair out. I push the door open harshly, shocking Billie. "I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry I'm not who everyone wants me to be. I'm sorry I can't be a normal person and do normal things," my voice fills with rage. I'm not angry at Billie, I'm angry at myself. I storm back into the main room and Billie follows behind me.

"What? Babe, where did this all come from?"

"You've been asking me a lot to go out lately and I can't and for that, I am sorry. I fucking hate that I cant give you what you want!"

"No, it's okay honestly. I love you for you, nothing changes that."

"Stop acting like it's okay, It's not okay," I shout.

"Sage, relax," Billie soothes, walking near me. I hold up my hands and take a few steps back.

"NO, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF SOCIAL ANXIETY RUNNING MY ENTIRE LIFE. IT DECIDES WHAT I DO, WHO I AM, AND WHAT MY FUTURE WILL BE LIKE," I shout only to break down into a ball of tears and violent sobs. Dropping to the floor I curl up into a small ball, feeling Billie wrap her arms around my entire shaking body, cradling me like a baby while she sits crisis cross on the floor.

"I-I-I'm sorry," I cry, leaning my head into her chest.

"Shhh, I got you. I'm right here," she whispers, combing her fingers through my hair and rocking me back and forth.

-

BILLIE POV

I watch Sage in my arms as she slowly drifts off to sleep, exhausted from her outburst. It breaks my heart knowing how guilty she feels for the thing she can't control. I know what it's like to deal with a mental illness, there's no way of controlling it all by yourself. Luckily I've been able to get help for the depression I went through, I just want to help Sage now.

Her breathing is still slightly shaky from the crying but she's peacefully sleeping in my arms and I never want to let go of her. Carefully I stand up with her in my arms, walking over to her bed, I lay her down and lay next to her, wrapping both my arms around her again. She is so strong, people think she's weak but she's the strongest person I know.

As the room became quiet I started to hear the buzzing I heard a few nights ago but I brushed it off, assuming that it was probably the air conditioning. I picked up my phone and began scrolling through Instagram. I clicked on Sage's instagram to see when the last post she made was and she hadn't posted for months. Her followers are getting higher and higher almost everytime I refresh the page.

I'm worried about her, I dont know how to support her other then just being there for her. I hope the attention she is starting to get doesn't take a toll on her. Well, it will, fame will do that to anyone but I hope her anxiety doesn't grow worse than it already is. I love her and some part of me wants to show her off but I'll wait as long as it takes until she's ready.

-

After a about an hour the beautiful soul beside me woke up and we ordered some food, and I decided it was time to bring up a few things. "Sage, can we talk?"

"Yeah," she nodded, throwing away our garbage into the trash can.

"Can sit," I patted the spot on the bed in front of me. She sat down and crossed her legs, giving me her full attention.

"So, I'm not saying we should do this anytime soon but...how do you feel about going public about our relationship?"

She froze for a second, her eyes averting to her lap, "I want to but not yet... I just feel like-I dont know, I'm not ready," She said truthfully.

"Of course," I smiled, interlacing my fingers with hers. "The other thing.." I sighed. "I know this is a touchy subject and I love you for who you are okay? When I say this its not because I'm upset or disappointed. You dont have to do it but for yourself, have you ever thought about seeing a doctor or a therapist?"

I watched as her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes met mine, "for what?" She asked.

"Your anxiety. I hate that your so mad at yourself y'know? Maybe they could give you medication or talking to a professional could help?"

She tore her hands out of mine and placed them back into her lap, her eyes swirling with emotions. "You think I'm that broken?"

"Baby, you arent broken. You just deserve to know you're not alone, you deserve to get better," I attempted to speak how I felt. All I want is the best for her. "All I want is the best for you."

"I-I know. Maybe I'll look into it," she shrugged.

"Okay, lets watch something?" I asked, leaving the conversation at that. She nodded her head, laying down without another word. Her head hitting the soft pillow as she stared at the tv. I could tell she wasn't really watching it and there was lots on her mind, but I didnt want to push it.

-

A/N: Sorry for this shitty chapter.

Don't be mad but I'm gonna skip Billie's birthday in this book because I never know what to get Billie as a gift lmao.