Be With Me Then (Then Series #5)

Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

Suffering 

I will still remember all the night that I am experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. Since that night it's so hard for me to breathe every night. The feeling of I just want to stop breathing even just for a while dahil ang hirap na. 

Dahil ang naalala ko lang ay kung bakit humantong sa ganito yung buhay ko. How I lose everything including myself. Wala akong pwedeng makausap kung hindi ang sarili ko lang. I have no one to talk to. 

But when Hannah came naisip ko na baka may pwede na akong pagsabihan ng mga sakit na nararamdaman ko yung bigat na nararamdaman ko pero ang pumapasok lang sa isip ko is. I don't want to drag her into my sufferings. Because being with Hannah can make me forget all of the pain in my system kahit na tuwing gabi sa loob ng condo ko at mag-isa ko wala akong ibang ginagawa kung hindi mag overthink at umiyak. 

And since then I become good on hiding my own pain in the eyes of everyone even if every time I will talk to my parents and I can see how they hate me because Kuya died because of me at hindi ko pa sinunod yung gusto nila na magdoctor ako. Simula nang mawala si Kuya pinipilit ko na ang lumaban mag-isa. 

And when I become a model and some people are starting to adore me and like me akala ko matutuwa na ako because that is what I wanted to have the attention of everyone to make them like me. They are all saying the nicest words in the words about me but my mind is not agree with it.  

My mind is doing it's best to make me suffer more because of what happen. My mind will always show me how I lose my hope including myself and how I become like this. 

Noon pa man nung buhay pa si Kuya all I want is the attention of my parents. Gusto ko lang na mapansin lahat ng ginagawa ko. I just want to be appreciated. Dahil simula pa man noon I always tried my best to reach my parents expectations. Since the beginning I live to reach the expectations they have for me. 

Even if everything is suffocating me already. My brother is my only escape from that pag nandiyan siya I can breathe very well hindi ko nararamdaman yung pressure na binibigay sa'kin because he is there to be my breather. 

But now I think I already found people who can make me escape from all of the pain. It's my girls. Pag kasama ko sila wala akong ibang iniisip kung hindi sila lang. 

"My god, Hannah. Late ka na naman!" Zaira said nang makapasok ng condo ko si Hannah na mukhang may hangover pa nga. It's been months simula nang magkakakilala kaming lima at nag-uusap naman kami pero madalas lang magkita dahil busy sa studies and Zaira and Raffy is studying at R.U while si Ate Chloe naman graduate na. 

"Wag niyo ako kausapin, masakit pa ulo ko." she said at napailing na lang ako dahil tama nga ako may hangover pa nga. 

"Hannah girl, hindi ka ba nagsasawa sa routine mo na school and bar lang. Dagdag mo pa mga lalaki" Raffy said. Sa aming lima si Raffy talaga yung parang Ate kahit na si Ate Chloe ang pinakamatanda sa'min dahil si Raffy matindi yung mother instinct niya. Yung parang kakausapin ka niya na parang siya yung nanay mo. 

"Alam niyo kung saan na ako sawang-sawa. Sa sermon ni Daddy kada umaga pag may hangover ako!" she said at kumuha na lang ng juice at ininom yun. 

"Hindi na ako magtataka kung one of this days ma-grounded ka." I said at mabilis naman ako tiningnan ni Hannah and I just shrugged. Magugulat na naman siguro ako na may mga nakabantay na naman sa kanyang bodyguard sa school. Ang tigas naman kasi ng ulo. 

"Bakit parang happy ka pa na baka ma-grounded ako." she said at nginitian ko lang naman siya. Hindi naman sa matutuwa ako pag nagrounded siya dahil alam ko naman na magagawan niya naman ng paraan kahit magrounded pa siya.