Qur'anic Reflections

No one else but you

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu!

Hello beautiful people *echoes*

I'm not sure how many of you have stuck around, but for the ones who've found their way back here, RAMADAN MUBARAK!!

Another Ramadan is upon us and I can't help but feel the difference in this one. I feel unprepared and lonely and just very helpless for the most part.

It's partly because of the pandemic that's been looming over us. It's like this endless nightmare that just gets worse and one you can never wake up from. As a doctor, as a Muslim, as a human, my heart hurts every time I listen to the news about this dreaded virus. I've seen what it does to people, I've seen patients struggle like fish out of water for air, only to find that the oxygen they breathe is too little to help them survive. I've seen too many people's lives go away, their mouths open, their eyes blank. It's something I'd never want to experience again but with the second wave coming at us faster than we can comprehend, I'm not sure if this experience will ever end.

It got to me last month too, and alhumdulillah even though I wasn't very symptomatic, it got my mental health in its grip. The isolation gave me panic attacks, mostly because I was worried if I'd infected my parents. The worst part was knowing that my mother got sick the next day too, alhumdulillah we both isolated together and she got better and is now all okay by Allah's grace.

I don't know why I'm penning this out here, maybe it's to straighten my own feelings about this. Life hasn't been very kind lately, I've got my finals in 20 days and it's been a week since more of my family members tested positive, and all I do these days is cry and pray and worry and sleep and try to study and fail.

It's funny you know? When I was in my undergraduate, I was so naive with not a  care in the world. The only stress I ever had was if I would top the next exam or not.

My undergrad was also the time that I was most productive, because I had literally no responsibilities. I used to be top notch, do so many things, study Tafsir, make notes on it and then I'd write about it over here on Wattpad and I used to be so proud of myself for being so insightful and what not.

Whenever I wrote down to write Q reflections, I'd wonder : "Am I not Allah's favourite? Allah says He tests those who He loves, then why doesn't He ever test me? "

I used to read all the Prophet's stories and wonder why Allah never tested me, why He never gave difficulties in my path, why was I always so protected. Was I not good enough? Did I need to do more?

So I started writing this book, so I could be more. So I could be Allah's favourite. So I could help someone else who was in need.

I don't know if I've ever been able to accomplish what I wished to. Maybe I'll know it someday.

I was 20 when I would contemplate all these silly ideas.

I'm 26 now, laughing at how cheesy I used to be.

Because in my 20 year old naivety, I was blissfully unaware that my life hadn't begun at all, as an undergraduate. It's not until I became a medical intern and then subsequently a Resident, that I realised that life is more than books and words, it's about actions and feelings and about holding yourself in sometimes and letting yourself go sometimes.

It's easy to sit and write a chapter about being good. But it's exceptionally challenging to live in that situation, know that someone has wronged you and still be a good person, because Allah asked you to.

For me, it was a reality check. Because I'm not inherently a strong person, I try to be but I'm not. I'm one of those people who immediately need a rock, a shoulder to fall back on. My mother has always been that for me, and after I got married more than a year ago, I somehow found my rock in my husband who is probably the kindest man I know and has an unbelievable amount of patience with me; I daresay I'd have lost my mind if I were in his place.