A/N - This is a brief monstrosity of bloodthirsty weapons and metaphors (similes technically) that don't make sense. I'm not going to tell you that I wrote this while I was high or sleep-deprived. It's a very reasonable time. I don't think this was an official request, but I still wrote it, so here you go AHAHAHAHA101. Hope you enjoy.
TW: Death, swearing
"Tommy, you don't have to do this," said Phil as Tommy walked toward him. "You ate my fucking Pop-Tarts. Time to die, old man," Tommy growled and continued advancing toward Phil with his Magic Fork. Magic Fork could pierce anything, and human flesh was its favorite thing.
"I'll buy you more Pop-Tarts, please son," Phil begged. Tommy stopped and suddenly a pained expression crossed his face as he looked forlornly out the window. "They won't be the same," he whispered, and a single tear rolled down his cheek. Phil thought he had come to his senses and calmed down, but then Tommy's insect eyes flashed like a rocket and his fist was gripping the fork so hard that his knuckles were white. Magic Fork was so eager for the taste of fresh blood that it had grown a fifth prong!
Suddenly, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson came up from the floor. "Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?" Tommy said to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "It is I, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson," said Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "Tomathy, I have come to give you a gift. That fork of yours is pretty poggers, but a hammer will do the job much quicker."
He pulled out a hammer and handed it to Tommy, who looked at it like it was his favorite cheesecake flavor. "Thank you so much, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson," said Tommy to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "You're welcome," said Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Then he rode off into the sunset on his horse legs. Yes, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was a centaur.
"What a beautiful tool," Tommy said as he marveled at the shiny hammer. He then turned to Magic Fork and whispered, "You'll get your blood soon enough." He kissed it gently and set it on the floor. Magic Fork was so sad that its fifth prong shriveled up, fell off, and died like a lizard tail. Rip.
Suddenly, the hammer started screaming. The hammer wanted death.
"Guess what time it is, Phil?" Tommy taunted in a low voice. Phil, no longer capable of words, just gulped. "It's hammertime." Suddenly, 'U Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer started playing.
He swung the screaming hammer at Phil's head and then the boomer was dead. Tommy danced to MC Hammer on repeat for the rest of the night.
A/N - sorry.
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Tommyinnit Oneshots
FanfictionOneshots of Tommyinnit, the Wife Haver himself. There's a combination of angst and fluff, but mostly angst. Hope you enjoy! This work is completed.
