ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

determined

it's sunday, my parents aren't home, and i'm alone in my room.
lost in my thought as always, i sighed getting up to get my notebook out of my drawer. i haven't written in this notebook in a while, since i was in a mental hospital for a year, but i guess i should start another plan.

day 50, february 12
new plan.
i know i shouldn't try again, they'll think i'm crazy, but what if i actually succeed this time? it sucks when you feel so lost, i wanna say. when you feel like everyone is gonna abandoned you sooner or later, so why can't i beat them to it? why can't i leave first? it'd be a favor for everyone. i cant wait to finally make them happy.
50 days.

i closed my notebook at my phone dinging.

|billie-eilish
look out your window

i looked out my window and there she was, smiling. this girl is gonna be the death of me. she pointed towards the door saying she's gonna come in, i nodded letting her walk in.
before i knew it she was walking into my room, i threw my notebook on the desk and sat on my bed. "hi" she dragged out, i chuckled to myself. "what is it?"

"just wanted to see your pretty face" she gushed, i shook my head "don't compliment me."

i didn't like compliments, i didn't like a lot of things, i don't know why but it's just how i am. billie was still standing, looking at me, "you gonna sit" i asked and she nodded sitting down at my desk chair.

"i like you, a lot," she said after a while of comfortable silence. it was hard for me to act like i didn't care, extremely hard. i couldn't get with her though even though i wanted to, i couldn't even admit i liked her back.

"you can't," i said dragging a hand down my face, "why's that eden," she said. "i'm gonna hurt you" i admitted, i told myself i wasn't gonna date her, hell i told myself i wasn't even gonna talk to her, but here we are. "i want you and only you though, i don't care," billie said.

i chuckled to myself, "i'm warning you eilish,"  i didn't wanna drag her with me, and i definitely don't wanna hurt her when i go. "warning me for what?"

"if you don't wanna get hurt, then you'll know what's best for you."
-
billie pov
i didn't know what eden meant by "hurt me" this girl was weird to say that least, but that's what i liked. that she was weird and suspicious, but why? why was she constantly shutting me out? i knew she liked me, i've known for a while now, but why won't she let herself like me?

this was all messing with my head, "hey eden" i said after a while, "yes?"

"can i take you out?"

it was stupid to ask considering she just told me not to like her, but i couldn't help myself. "like on a date" she hesitated sitting herself up on her elbows, "like on a date" i repeated.

i saw herself think for a minute then turn her head to the side "i told you, eilish" she dragged out laying back down, she never called me billie, i liked it though. "please" i pouted, she laughed at my begging, still no smile though. "you're very stubborn, eilish" eden shook her head.

"eilish" i mocked in her accent, "i don't sound like that."

"mhm" i hummed, we sat in silence again.

i stared at her, admiring how her lips parted and tiny breaths escaped them, admiring how effortlessly beautiful she was. i loved, *liked, everything about her.
-
eden pov
an arm wrapped around my waist loosely while my head rested under a chin, i gasped quietly as i realized it was billie, i forgot she was here. i slowly tried escaping from her hold, but she only pulled me closer, "it's okay" she whispered.

it wasn't okay, no getting close.

i didn't wanna make her mad, i suppose, so i just stayed still, and let her sleep. "relax" billie chuckled, i'm guessing she felt my body's tenseness. "eilish," i said quietly. she only hummed, her hand brushing my neck every few seconds.

"no touching," i said, she chuckled "you're the one who pulled me in."

i pulled my arms a little, putting them up by my chest, "you good" she asked, and i hummed. we sat like that for a while, when i knew she was back asleep i let a couple of tears escape my eyes.

i haven't been held in so long, it feels so good yet, suffocating in a way. i like the comfort that it brings but the thought of someone touching me makes me angry, it's just how i am. i don't like touch, or people, or "cuddling" if that's what you wanna call this.
but the way billies arms wrapped around me as she held me close, made me wanna burst into tears, i feel like i haven't had a good hug in so long, or any type of touch in so long, so this is nice.

i realized i'd been crying a bit too much now, so i wiped my tears and held it in, it hurts holding in tears, physically and mentally. it makes my body tense and i don't like it. "let it out" i heard billie whisper, "let what out" i asked blindly, i knew exactly what she was talking about.

"you're crying" she chuckled, "let it out."

i let out a breath, trying to release all of the tensenesses, and as soon as i did that the tears wouldn't stop. i know i shouldn't be letting billie in like this, but i liked the way she made me feel.

pulling me in closer billie stroked my hair, "it's okay" she whispered, which made me cry even more. she doesn't know what she's getting herself into, and it's gonna hurt her so bad when i leave.

billies pov
"it's okay" i whispered to the crying eden in my arms. i didn't know why exactly she was crying but i felt she needed comfort, "comfort" as in she needed touch, a hug, even a gentle stroke on her hand, she needed it.

i felt the need to be there for everyone and help them. i liked to fix people if that's what you wanna call it. what i'm trying to say is i just wanted everyone to live the best life, i didn't like it when people hid away.

"hid" as in, purposely wearing boring clothes to blend in, or walking behind people to not draw attention to themselves. i didn't like when people didn't express the real them when they didn't show the world who they were.

i knew it was scary, been there done that, but sometimes you have to overcome a fear that you didn't want to.

and though eden needed a lot of help with herself, i was determined to fix her.

50 days

1193 words.