ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

scared of love

why did i kick her out? she was only trying to look out for me, i probably made her mad. she's never gonna talk to me again and i ruined it. i mean that's what i wanted. right?

|me
i'm sorry.

we still hadn't come around to ask each other for our numbers, it just never came up. i hope she responds. i wanted her out of my life so bad, and now that she is i don't want her to be.

maybe i'm just overthinking, per usual. my phone got a notification and i hurried to pick it up.

|billie-eilish
for what😭

|me
for kicking you out n you're probably mad so i'm sorry.

|billie-eilish
dude, i am not mad at u

not mad. good to know.

|billie-eilish
stop overthinking stupid
gts

|me
okay

|billie-eilish
have sweet dreams about me

|me
you wish

i switch off my phone letting out a huff, i did all that, and for what?

i realized something that i didn't wanna realize. i thought she was out of my life so i nearly had a breakdown, i knew this would happen but i tried to push it away.

i'm attached to her just like i said i wouldn't.
-
i woke up, checking my phone. only 5am, great.

i hopped out of bed and threw on some black sweatpants with my cropped zip-up jacket. after grabbing my headphones and shoes i made my way out of the house.

i didn't like the dark, but i felt the need to be on a walk. i kinda wished i could fly, so i could just float around the night sky.
or sometimes i wished i could go into another realm, i mean i had a phase where all i did was shift but i eventually stopped and now i just can't do it anymore.  (true story😼)

a car passed me making me flinch; it scared me how loud it was. only people out here should be adults working the early shift. i kept walking, making my way into billies neighborhood.

we only lived around 10 minutes away from each other, i just liked coming over here. her park was better and the energy just felt nice.

i looked at my feet while walking, stepping over the cracks, and counting how many footsteps i was taking in each block. i ran into something, "sorry" i mumbled, "eden?"

i looked up, "what the fuck are you doing" billie laughed and i shrugged, "i'm bored."

she had pepper on a leash, and her hair was in a messy bun. she looked really pretty with the streetlight shining on her face. billie shook her head and smiled, "you are so weird."

i shrugged again, "talk" she dragged out, "hi," i said.

"bruh, come on" she put her hand in mine and when i say i could've shit myself right there i would've. i know we've slept in the same bed, cuddled and whatnot but this just felt different.

though i was probably thinking too much into it, i liked it. i still hadn't interlocked our fingers, i look down at our hands and slowly interlocked them.

when i look up billie had a smile on her face, she was trying to hide it but it wasn't working. we walked in silence, peppers paws hitting the sidewalk being the only noise.

i leaned my head on her shoulder while we walked and she looked down at me with a shake of her head and a warm smile, "for someone who doesn't like touch you seem to be enjoying this."

i shook my head "only when it comes from you."

i watched her blush, "shut up" billie spoke. she stopped walking and i stopped walking, i turned to face her and looked into her eyes. this is the first time i made direct eye contact, it was hard but i still looked at her. pepper had to pee so that's why we stopped.

"what is it," she asked after a while, seeing that pepper had stopped. "i just, i don't know" i grabbed her hand and we started walking again.

"eilish," i said as we walked, i don't know where we were walking because we had already passed her house, but it was nice. she hummed and i started again, "is there a difference between loving someone and being in love?" (answer that.)

"yeah," she said, "how?"

"it's like i love my brother but i'm not in love with him, you get it?"

i nodded, "have you ever been in love?"

she let out a breath "yeah." i didn't know why i was asking her all of these questions, i just wanted to know. y'know?

"what does it feel like," i said after a while, "it's like flying, you feel euphoric around them. it feels quiet. you're calm, and you're centered, you feel secure around them and it's weird because you never thought your life was missing something until they come along y'know."
"it feels warm and it's like climbing into your bed on a cold night, you feel like you're always home no matter what."

i furrowed my eyebrows and she laughed, "what?"

i didn't wanna tell her "what" because i didn't wanna admit it. i feel like i'm in love with billie even though we are not in a relationship. i'm in love with her and i don't want to be but i am.

"eilish" i spoke quietly, she hummed and i continued "is it possible to be in love with someone even though you really don't want to be?"

"why are you asking so many questions" she laughed and i shrugged "i feel like i'm in love."
-
billie pov
"i feel like i'm in love," eden said as we walked. i let out a breath and a low chuckle, "how do you know?"

"i don't know, it's like all the things you listed i feel around yo- them, and i really don't want to be because i'm scared. and i'm really really attached to this person, but i can't be because i have to do something, and i don't wanna make them sad," she said. i thought for a second, could she be talking about me? i mean who else could she be in love with i'm her only friend, not to be rude.

"well if you're in love then you have to let yourself be, the more you deny the more it messes with you. try and confront the person and tell them, get it off your chest."

it was silent for a long time, as we walked.

eden let out a shaky breath, "eilish."

i hummed, "i'm scared."

"it's okay to be scared of love," i said and she sniffed.

45 days

1125 words