ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

adorable

i woke up in my bedroom, groaning. i hated waking up with everything in me. it makes me feel like shit. rolling over i check the time.

  2:23 am

i felt stuck to my bed like i couldn't move. i feel so suffocated and stuck in here. maybe i just needed air.

i got up making my way downstairs, the tv was on and as i made it down there it revealed my mom, dad, and sister sitting on the couch while a movie finished up.

my sister laid her head on my dad's shoulder, asleep, while my father slept as well. my mom had her feet kicked up with her head back, while she slept too. claudias has been here a lot lately, and they've been all over her.

i mean i can't blame them but i've been here the whole time. what about me?

they looked so perfect, perfect without me, it's like in the movies where the only child has a bonding moment with their perfect parents. no other child to ruin it, just them.

putting on my slides i threw my hoodie hood on and started walking out the door, closing it behind me.

2 more days left to live, just 2. i'd never think a monday would be my last day but it's fine as long as i'm dead by the end of it.

i don't really care about what happens after death, nor am i scared. i more so scared of failing and having to go back to that place.

it wasn't all so bad, but i still hated it. i'll never forgive my parents for that, i mean i'll never forgive my parents for a lot of shit.

they've hurt me so much, and i'm not gonna be that person who writes "it's not your fault" because it partly is their fault. everything leading up to this point has been most of their doing.

i can't blame them for it, right?

i've realized how much hatred they have for me, and i kinda have that same amount for myself but still why not abort me then i wouldn't be in this mess.

i wouldn't be wishing death on myself every day, i would already be dead before i could even think.

gosh, and i hate myself so much for managing to still love them after all the shit they put me through. why can't i just hate them? i wanna hate them but my heart doesn't want to.

i love them.

and how i hate how i still have sympathy for them i've made so many excuses for them that i can't even count on my fingers how much. "maybe it's tough love" or "maybe they don't know how to love" but i think they do, they just don't love me.

my phone vibrated in my pocket, causing me to flinch.

i picked it up almost being blinded by how high my brightness was.

my eilish
1 new message

i smiled and opened it.

my eilish

where r ur social media accounts

i deleted them
to take a break

mm
y u up

on a walk

ok
i love u

love you sm moree

i'll see u later today, right?

ofc

and with that, i clicked off my phone.
-
i giggled as billie and i sat on a branch of a tree. billie wasn't phased at all, me on the other hand not so much.

she forced me to come up with her cause it'd be "romantic," romantic my ass i'm scared.

"billie can we get down," i said and she laughed "you're actually scared, we're not even that high up! you sat on a building."

something about being on a building makes me feel way safer than sitting on a weak ass tree branch.

"i wanna get down" i whined even more making billie laugh, "fine, one second."

she pulled out a pocket knife "where the fuck did you get a knife from?!"

she laughed shaking her head, i watched as she carved our initials then putting a heart around it.

"you are so corny" i shook my head watching as billie jumped down from the old tree.

"okay jump" billie said. 

i don't know why i was so scared right now, we weren't even that high up.
"i'll catch you just jump" billie laughed causing me to laugh.

i closed my eyes and jumped, i was expecting a loud thump but when i opened my eyes billie was smiling.  

"you are literally such a scaredy-cat," she said putting me down. "shut up eilish" was all i responded with, billie nudged my shoulder making me trip over my own two feet and making me fall.

she sucked her teeth "so fucking dramatic i didn't even push you that hard!"

billie helped me up while she laughed at me at my now skinned knee, but i didn't find anything funny here.

"you are so rude" i joked as billie grabbed my hand.

all she did was shake her head as we walked back to her house.
-
as we walked through billies door, being greeted by pepper. well more so pepper greeting me and walking right past billie.

"hi" i kneeled making billie roll her eyes "sure just replace me someone you don't even know" she joked and i laughed as i followed her to her room.

i flopped down on her bed, "just make yourself at home then" billie said as she put her jacket into her closet and took off her shoes.

laughing i closed my eyes "i'm tired."

"okay go to sleep, i'll be here when you wake up," billie said, "we have school tomorrow i can't stay the night."

billie got into bed with me laying her head in my neck and wrapping the cover around both of us.

"i didn't say you had to stay, though i would prefer it."

i laughed and shook my head "when i wake up i'm going home."

billie sucked her teeth, "fine," "love you" i dragged out making billie hum "i guess i love you too," i only laughed as she pulled me closer.

so adorable.

  2 days

1025 words