ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

in another life

i was cleaning out my closet because apparently, it was "cleaning day" whatever the fuck that means.

"eilish you better be cleaning" my wife yelled from the bathroom, "i am" i yelled back with a laugh.

i've learned she has an obsession with cleaning fucking everything.

as i rummage through old and new things and put them in a pile i come across a box.

well, it wasn't just a box, of course, i knew what it was.

and maybe it was time to finally look through it, i mean i'm 23 years old, i'm pretty sure i can handle it.

all of me is ready for closure and i'm ready to let go, i've learned that it's not my fault and there's nothing i could've done to prevent her from killing herself.

and i know that when i do let go and stop trying to hold on to the tiny little string then i'll finally feel content.

i know that me letting go is something eden would want me to do.

so i opened the box, pictures of us are what i see first, necklaces and rings also.

i move them aside picking up the first letter.

february 10, 2017

sometimes i feel like i'll never feel content, i'll never have a good day but today proved me wrong.

i know i talk all this big and bad shit how i hate touch and i hate comfort but you held me today and it was the most comfort i've felt in years.

it wasn't that long of a hug, but i still felt safe and i felt like i'd never be sad again.

- eden

february 18, 2017

i don't know what you're problem is eilish, you like me way too much but i think i like you more.

every time you look at me i get butterflies and it's something i fucking hate because you have so much control over me.

- eden

march 3, 2017

my head hurts and i feel like i'm gonna throw up but in a good way? is there a good way? i don't know.

hi eilish, you're asleep next to me and snoring loud as hellllllll. your hair keeps coming in my face and you keep kicking me.

i laugh as i continued to read.

but it's only 27 days until i'm leaving you, and you know i love you even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

and i love you enough to know that you'll be okay without me, and i know you'll be soooo much better without me.

because you try too hard to make me feel okay when you're not even checking on yourself bb, and i can't let you continue to hold yourself back from your potential.

your ep is gonna be great and literally, everyone's gonna love you.

so keep going i'll always be right here even if you can't see me.

- eden

march 19, 2017

just a reminder you're beautiful.

-eden

march 29, 2017

one more day, i hate lying to you bb but it'll hurt more if i tell you

-eden

march 30, 2017

sorry for everything, i'm in love with you and i trust and care for you with literally everything in me.

you were my everything and you inspired me to get up every day but im sorry i couldn't hold on anymore.

you know i love you and i've never and will never stop loving you eilish.

and although you didn't see it at times you were the most beautiful soul i'd ever met. sooooo fucking pure and way too good for this world bb. i hope all the negative things you feel about yourself vanish and that you love yourself as much as i love you.

and someday i really hope we meet again, in a world where i'm better.  because i'm not myself and i never was when i met you, you deserve to see the real me eilish and i'm sad that you didn't get to see it in this world.

i will never forget how tight you held me and how perfect our lips fit together.

just be okay for me, and never give up on yourself.

i never really left love, i'm always here.

- eden

"you're not even cleaning" aaliyah comes into the room, looking down into my hands "what is that?"

"um," i read the last sentence to the letter before putting them all back into the box "this is nothing."

"okay well come on we gotta pick up june," she said as she ruffled my hair.

"oh yeah, i'm coming lemme put this up," i say before she walks out of the room.

with a sigh, i put the box back into the closet, in another life.

the end

793 words.

omg omg omg i cant believe this book is done thank you for all your support.  i love you guys so fucking much dude.

look out for another book coming, okay?

thank you for reading this and sorry for making everyone cry 🙁🙁🙁🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽