ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

i dont even have myself

a hand draped around my waist loosely while my hand rested in their hair. i moved only slightly to check the time.

2:35pm

sighing i tried escaping from billies grip, only being pulled in closer and tighter. "don't leave" she said groggily, i chuckled, letting billie pull me back in.

"i wanted water but i'll wait," i said.

she opened her eyes, and fixated on me, "how you just fucking wake up like this" she said and i laughed "like what?"

billies eyebrow twitched only slightly "all cute and shit, it makes me mad."

i knew i looked like actual shit right now, my hair was in a disgusting-looking bun and after we both showered last night i put on her baggy ass clothes so i knew for a fact i didn't look "cute" right now.

"i do not" i replied, "yes you do," she said back.

"lying is a sin you know" i replied, playing with her fingers, "then you should stop," billie said back.

shaking my head with a smile i continued to play with her fingers in the comfortable silence.

we'd been sitting like this for a while now and i hadn't realized billie was staring at me the whole time.

"what is it," i asked curiously.

"you're just pretty," she says and i laughed "stop complimenting me so much."

she raised her eyebrows "it's day one all over again huh?"
shaking my head with a laugh i replied to her stupid question "no eilish, shut up."

she hummed with a chuckle, "i love you."

i smiled, and we made eye contact. i only stared, taking in her beauty. "not gonna say it back" she asked and i laughed "i love you more."

"not possible" billie chuckled, grabbing my waist and gently pushing me off of her so she could get up.
-
i sat on billies couch, watching some show. feeling myself doze off now and then. billie was in finneas room, she said she had to do something but didn't want me to go home.

pepper laid at my feet, i was surprised she wasn't growling. billie assured me that she wouldn't like me but obviously, she was wrong.

there are about 17 days until i'm gone, and it's everything i can think about.

mostly about billie, leaving billie will be the hardest but i have to go.

and it's only gonna be a while until we find each other again, and i can wait that while. because when i die i wouldn't want billie to go the same way, she needs to live and deserves to.

if i'm being completely honest, i don't exactly know how billie will cope with me gone.

because she says she "needs me"  which i don't think is true. she just has to learn how to not need me.

which is harder to do than say.
-
billie pov
i walked, out of finneas room finally finishing a couple of songs. it was around maybe 4am, i wouldn't be surprised if eden had left.

walking out into the living room she laid asleep, pepper at her feet. im surprised she's still here, also a little shocked pepper and she were practically cuddling.

her breaths escaped her softly as i watched her chest rise up and down.

i adored her, from the way her long hair spilled on her waist to her beautiful eyes. her laugh could probably bring me back to life if i was on the brink of death.

eden was nothing short of an angel, i needed her. from the way she kissed me to the warming feeling of her arms wrapping around me.

all of her just feels like a dream.

her grin provides me joy, and her smile gives me hope.

my soul hurts for her, and i want to protect her from the darkness that has descended over the planet. when she's hurt, i want my arms to be her safety blanket. i  want to make sure she never feels alone.

the way she makes me feel has a magical quality to it. her mind is full of mysteries that i have yet to discover.

her heart, on the other hand, contains all the answers i've been yearning for.
-
eden pov
i woke up not on billies couch but in her bed, immediately feeling a weight on me. looking down it was billie, whose head was already sort of staring up at me.

"well hi," i chuckled as she smiled at me.

"hi love" billie responded, shaking my head with a smile i raked my hands up and down her back.

as her thumb rested on my stomach, lightly stroking.

"you're so pretty," she said.

"you can't even see me eilish" i responded with a laugh, "yes i can" billie had replied.

"i love you" billie had said before nuzzling her head into my neck.

why was i laying here with someone i loved but still felt like an empty body with a burned-out soul.

why did it still feel as though i was dying when i just confessed my love to someone. i thought it'd help like maybe i wouldn't wanna kill myself anymore but, now i do more than anything.

and it's something i truly can't control because at the end of the day i'm alone. it isn't so much bodily loneliness as it is a mental one. it's something that can't be repaired by billie's touch or a fictitious reality made out of people who supposedly "loved" me. it's the agony of knowing that no one can truly see me. how could they, after all, if im not really there?

i wear this thin skin that was made for me by people who told me i wasn't good enough. i gave up my identity for a culture that doesn't know how to accept me. im alone because i don't have somebody. im alone because i don't even have myself.

"i love you too."

17 days

993 words.

top 3 from the album drop it right now.

1. happier than ever
2. everybody dies
3. goldwing

sksjdgsksn i love the album so muchhhh ugh and i'm going to see her on tour i can't wait dude