ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

we talk about eachother

the halls are booming with loud students trying to get out of the building, others are running through the halls trying not to be late to after-school practice.

"e!" someone shouts my name and i turn around.

i keep walking out of the double doors as she catches up to me.

"i missed you" billie finally says, my stomach fills with butterflies and i try not to smile too hard.

"you don't even know me" i kept walking.

"i know, i missed seeing you in the hallway with your cute hair and shit" she spoke.

i put my head down in attempt to hide my blush.

"hey, if you wanted you could come back to my place and we could chill" billie says.

i think for a moment, i don't really want to i don't want to get to close to her, because then i'll start to need her to be alive and then when she ups and leaves id throw myself away.

"um i don't think that's a good idea" i spoke.

she sighed "why?"

i groaned internally "cause i just don't think that we should get that close" i said before reaching my porch "i'll see you in school i guess, bye."

i closed my door leaning on it a knock makes me jump and i open the door.

"can i come in" billie said, i sighed "i told you already, it's not a good idea."

truthfully speaking, i'd love to let her in, build a bond, maybe even a relationship, but i mentally couldn't. it's like i have this thick wall built up around my heart, my head, and i physically can't let anyone in. not even a glimpse of what goes on up there would i ever tell anyone.

"i just wanna chill" she begged even more, "i'm sorry" i shut the door right in her face.

i heard her sigh and walk down my steps.

i wish i had a normal life, where i didn't have to constantly worry about who's talking about me, and who's gonna use me next, or who's gonna take advantage of my body, i could go on, but i'd rather not.

grabbing a fruit cup i walked upstairs entering my room, what is the point of life? why am i like this?

what the fuck do i do here, what's my purpose? i feel like the world has turned its back against me, even when i was little i knew it was "fuck eden" from day one.

i was a mistake, my parents said they only wanted one child, my sister. she's way older than me now i'd think but i don't know where she is if i'm being honest. they had me and my sister practically raised me, from the day i was born she was the one who took me home, my parents went straight back to work. considering my mother had just given birth i'd think she would want a break, but i guess i was wrong.

my sister fed me my first bottle, changed my first diaper, potty trained me, anything you could possibly think of she did. i shouldn't have been surprised when she couldn't take it anymore and up and left, she was a teen, she wanted to do what teens do, and taking care of a baby was definitely not one of them.

to say i was hurt is a generous explanation, it felt like i had been stabbed, straight in the heart, i will never forget the image of her rolling suitcases out her room, kissing me on the cheek and whispering an "stay safe" before she walked out the door.
i wasn't a dumb child i knew she was never coming back, but it still hurt.

part of me understood why she left and why my parents do what they do, but the other part still questions why they never wanted me.

why was i never good enough?
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billies pov