ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

all that matters

eden had always said she wanted to see me dressed up, in a nice dress, hair pulled back, with light mascara.

hopefully, she can see me from where she is.

i sat on the wooden seats that were killing my ass, and this dress felt funny so i couldn't help but shift around.

claudia was on the right side of me, and finneas on the left. jordan was here too as well as her mom and other family members that were comforting her mom in the row in front of us.

my parents were even here though they didn't know eden they were just here for support.

her dad i couldn't find anywhere in the medium-sized crowd. if eden was watching her funeral as a ghost and she didn't see her own dad there she'd cry and i wouldn't be able to comfort her like i always did.

it was almost time to get up and see eden in the casket and i didn't know if i was ready. i don't know if i could stand to look at her, body lifeless and eyes closed for good.

eden was in everything i turned to look at, if i wanted to go outside for a walk i'd see a butterfly and it reminded me of the time she screamed when one landed on her head.

or if i wanted to get ice cream i couldn't help but look at her seat that she used to sit in.

and yesterday i wanted to finally clean my room and i found the necklace she gave me not too long back.

everywhere i turned she was there.

i still loved eden, a lot. 

but for some reason, one part of me wants to let her go, hate her for leaving me behind so easily but i just cannot. i cannot ever have hatred for eden.

i watched as everyone started to stand, making a line to get a glimpse of eden. 

my heart has never beat so fast, im admitting, i was scared. maybe, even more, scared than when i saw her at the hospital.

maybe i was just scared because i'm not ready to let go, or maybe because i loved her too much, or maybe both.

either way, i was scared and upset. i didn't wanna cry here, even though all the others were.

claudia was having a look, so that meant i was next. i could already see a little bit of her.

she looked so fake.

i moved up, looking at eden. her eyes were closed and her hands were together, laid across her stomach. everything i rambled about when she was alive was gone.

she didn't look like herself so i couldn't compliment anything on her face.

her lips looked smaller, and they were tinted pink. her face looked like it'd been painted with all the makeup they put on her.

her hair was shorter than it was when she died. did they cut it?

they're not allowed to do that right? i don't know.

finneas had placed his hand on my back, rubbing in circles "come on" he said softly.

eden just didn't look like her, and i got sick as i continued to stare. so i walked, letting the last couple of people behind me go on.
-
"billie" i heard my father's voice boom from the kitchen, i unraveled myself from the covers in my comfortable bed and walked to the kitchen.

"yes," i said groggily, "here" he handed me something and i couldn't tell what it was seeing as it was in a box.

"cool," i said and turned around.

as i walked back to my room and made it back into my bed i opened the black box with a sigh.

when i opened it, it was a frame, with a picture i'd posted on my instagram. it was just of me and eden, in the snow.

it was sweet really, but looking at her is something i didn't wanna do. it's like my heart was broken so bad i just couldn't.

eden shattered my heart into a million and 5 pieces, but i still loved her because i know she didn't mean to.

she's happy now im guessing while i'm hurting just as much as she was, but i don't care as long as she was happy.

that's all that matters.

728 words

authors note: ahhh it's almost over im gonna cryyyy, and i had most of these chapters written in advance so i double updated for yallll