ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

i understand why

i laid in bed, eyes yet to open. i had been awake for a while but i'd just been laying here.

actually id been in bed all week, skipping school and ignoring everyone. it's currently saturday by the way and i hadn't left my room not once.

snacking on one big bag of takis and going to the bathroom that's in my room.

i even was ignoring billie, i didn't answer the knocks on my window or answer my phone.

i just didn't have the time, i was letting my thoughts get the best of me again but the real reason is i just wanted to be alone.

not because i was sad, but because i felt as though i needed to be to myself.

i still hadn't opened my eyes, i was dreading even letting myself get out of bed.

i finally allowed myself to open my eyes, reaching over for my phone as i did so.

4:30am

i sighed, getting up i threw on my hoodie, and the sweatpants that were now too big for me covered my feet slightly.

my feet slid into my slides and i threw my hood on.

walking out of my house the breeze sent chills down my spine and as i counted my steps unconsciously i shivered.
-

my eilish

you shared your location with "my eilish "

meet me here if you're awake.

i looked down and let my feet dangle off the building i was now sitting on.

it was starting to sprinkle rain but i could care less.

i've always stood on the edge of this cliff, peering down and wishing i could jump. though i don't think i would, something about it seems too quick.

i suddenly feel relaxed and not trapped for the first time in week. i think i just needed a break, or perhaps just something to keep me busy.

sitting and waiting to see if billie is gonna come i fidget with my fingers and enjoy the rain.

i love billie, i'm in love with her and i feel like now that i'm up here i can say that, just shout it into the sky.

and though me and billie don't say it through words, a simple rub on the back, a look across the room, a smile as we wake up to each other, and even just a little grab of the waist says it.

there's a strong strength in our silence, and even if we don't say anything we both know we're in love with each other.

our love is weird because none of us wants to say it, afraid of rejection.

but love, i know it's there without even a doubt.

and it's the tiniest details that are held close to my heart, how she chuckles at everything, how she always tries to push that one eyebrow down but it just won't work, and how she taps on my window when i say go through the door.

i love her so much.

"why are you up so high?"

i gasped a little as billie sat down, she also tends to scare me a lot.