everything changes (but we all stay the same)

chaper s̸̢̩̝̳͈͊̽̌͛̐̚ͅs̶̛̯̹̤̠̃̂͐s̴̘̳̝̱͒̈͂͊̃̒s̶̜̼͎͂: wrong

maybe...
maybe i was wrong.

about myself.
about who i am.

im not a person.
i don't have an identity.
my "identity" is always warping,
changing,
evolving,
i never stay the same person for over a week.

im... not a person.
i don't know who i am.

one day i'm the good guy,
the next day, i'm the bad guy,
the manipulator,
the abuser.

i never know what i want.
i never know who i want to be.

if you asked me to describe myself...
i don't know where i would start.
to accurately describe myself,
i would be better off creating a massive web diagram
than a chronological essay.

my head isn't full of coherent thoughts.
just static,
looping sound bits of things i've heard that day,
merciless shouts of impulse,
whispers down my neck of intrusion.

i was wrong.
i've always been wrong.
i don't know who i am,
or what i want to be.

is this what i must deal with for the rest of my life?

i never had to develop this disorder.
i never had to become borderline.
mommy never had to hurt me.

i could have been whole.
i could have felt human.
i could have felt redeemable.

but if this is the life that i must endure
for the remainder of my lifespan,
i think i'm better off cutting it off short
when it becomes too much to deal with.

i've always known from the start that my cause of fatality
would be from the will of my own hands.