everything changes (but we all stay the same)

0.2 // adolescence

at age 14,
i knew i was not a girl.

at first i identified with neogenders.
at first,
it was demigirl.
then it was nonbinary.
by age 15, it was demiboy.

then, i finally accepted that i was male.

at first, i wasn't afraid to express myself and my new identity.
i dyed my hair and cut it short,
and wore whatever i wanted,
be it masculine or feminine.

but then the toxic masculinity started to seep in.
the internalized transphobia.
the self-doubt.

it told me that i wasn't "man enough".
it made me cut my hair shorter and stop dyeing it.
it made me wear nothing but jeans and tee shirts.

it was killing me worse than the toxic femininity was.

by age 17, i was the most depressed and suicidal i had ever been.
i was contemplating overdosing on my mom's percocet every day.
nothing in life brought me joy anymore.
everything felt useless.

i had stopped cutting my hair,
because cutting it meant that i was starting a new journey,
and i just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment.

but right before my 18th birthday,
i was ready.
i was going to start my journey.

the journey to happiness.
the journey to self-expression.
the journey to internal peace.

i cut my hair.

and then i turned 18.
to me, adulthood meant freedom.

and i was ready to step out of my bounds.