everything changes (but we all stay the same)

1.5 // vulnerable

i stopped taking the new mood stabilizers,
the ones that were making me suicidal and psychotic.

i started taking my old anti-psychotics again.

i already feel so much better.
but now i feel vulnerable.

my psychotic episodes made me feel powerful,
indestructible,
inhuman.

i was convinced that i was possessed by a powerful, ancient demon without a name.

i was convinced that he protected me by taking over my conscience.

i was convinced that when he made me abuse drugs,
or cut myself,
or lash out at people,
that he was protecting me.

and now that he is gone,
i feel vulnerable.

i can regress again now that i'm on my anti-psychotics.
regression makes me feel vulnerable,
usually in a good way,
but when i'm not with someone that i trust when i regress,
i feel terrifyingly vulnerable.

i feel like the slightest mistake could ruin me,
traumatize me,
kill me.

i feel vulnerable.

i'm feel scared when i regress now,
because i'm afraid that it will take over again.

i hate it.
i hate what it does to me.
i hate the feeling of fear and hopelessness that takes over my body when it takes control.

i'm afraid that it will come to the forefront of my mind again,
and kill me.

i feel so vulnerable.

i need her.
i need her.
i need her.

i need to be in her warm arms,
kept safe from the demons,
listening to her steady heartbeat.

i need to hear her voice,
lulling me to sleep,
chasing away my nightmares.

i need her sweet kisses,
and her tight hugs,
and her lovely voice.

i love her,
and she loves me too.
but she's so far away,
i rarely see her.

i live for the day that we can be together all the time,
living together,
not feeling weak or vulnerable.

i feel so vulnerable,
and it seems she is the only cure.

she makes me feel safe.
she makes me feel loved.
and i love her so, so much.

but, alas, the painful feelings are still here when she's not around.

without her, i feel vulnerable.

painfully, achingly, terribly
vulnerable.