everything changes (but we all stay the same)

3.0 // chains

living, lately, has become torture.

i am chained to a cinderblock,
falling deeper and deeper
into the ocean,
growing colder and dizzier the farther i sink.

i can't get them out of my head.
their words are burned into the backs of my eyelids.

my chest still feels as empty as when they left.

i wish that i could purge these toxic thoughts,
i wish so badly that i could forget about them.

but when you are with someone for years,
when you begin to shape each other's personalities,
when you put work into loving them dearly for so long,
it hurts more than anything when they suddenly leave.

i keep falling back into bad habits,
because of my spiraling thoughts.

what i thought was love was so quickly abandoned,
and they were the one to throw me off the deck
to plunge into the icy waters below,
and they expect me to swim back up to the top.

they were the one who told me i could trust them,
they were the one who chained me to the cinderblock,
they were the one who lied.

why am i the only one who has to suffer?
why can't they feel the same pain i feel everyday,
if only for a brief moment?

i wish they understood how much they mean to me,
and how much them leaving me left me feeling.

this is a quiet type of suffering.
i'm slowly being forgotten,
slowly becoming more recluse,
ever so slowly losing my grip.

sinking so, so slowly into the abyss.

i've reached depths that are suffocating,
and i don't know why i am still struggling to live,
trying to give myself false hope.

i've sunk too deep for anyone to save me.
so why do i still try?

i still vividly remember our one-month anniversary.

i hand-painted a beautiful box with flowers and their name,
and filled it with nearly a dozen carefully made gifts and notes.

they seemed surprised, yet happy.

i'm glad i once was a source of happiness in their life.

but, they said it themselves:
they hate me.
i cause fear and anger to burn inside of them,
simply because i wanted to know how they were doing after we parted ways.

i was called a stalker for telling them i miss them.
so, i blocked them, mostly for my own sake.

i don't know how to feel anymore.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't know why i live anymore.

i haven't even hugged anyone in months.

i'm so touch-deprived,
so needy for somebody's undivided attention
and warmth
and touch.

i just want to experience real love for once.
i want to be given something in return for once.

i don't want to be lied to anymore.

i don't want to struggle against these chains anymore,
but i already know my fate.

it's just a matter of when.