why do i exist?
why am i still here when everything hurts?
everyone i ever loved has left me,
and taken something important to me along with them.
i'm being torn apart piece by piece
by the people who i have put all of my trust into.
why do i still trust people so easily?
why do i still find an odd comfort in those who have hurt me?
why do i miss being with them?
i miss the mindless euphoria of being in a new relationship.
the sweet first kisses,
holding hands,
exchanging our first "i love you's",
loving each other unconditionally.
i just wish that once that honeymoon phase wore off,
my partners wouldn't grow bored of me,
wishing for more from me,
when i'm content just being with them.
i always rush to imagine a rich future with each of my partners,
we exchange thoughts of where we will live and what our lives will look like together,
simply being in each other's existence.
but my breakups are always so sudden.
they always leave me when i'm still so sickly in love with them,
and that is what hurts the most.
why do i exist?
it seems, sometimes,
that i just exist to be used and then thrown away
once the novelty runs out.
maybe i exist to hurt,
to take the pain away from others,
to be a martyr.
maybe i exist simply because my mother's birth control pills failed to work properly,
and i was born from this mistake.
i am an accident,
a liability,
an inconvenience.
when will someone learn to truly appreciate the simple things with me,
like walking barefoot in the dewy grass at dawn,
holding hands and singing lightly together.
or things like sweet forehead kisses,
napping together in a soft bed,
taking care of each other when we are sick,
simply existing together.
why do they always want more?
why do they never tell me they want more?
why don't they ever talk to me?
lately i've been stuck at home,
padding through my cold puddles of depression and self-pity,
and it's gotten so bad lately that i'm becoming physically sick from it.
i don't have any reason to even get out of bed.
most days, i fall asleep with one simple prayer:
"please, if there are any gods out there, listen to my request. when i fall asleep tonight, i wish to never wake up. let me die peacefully in my sleep, let me stop existing. please."
YOU ARE READING
everything changes (but we all stay the same)
Poetryif my life could be replayed, if i could share my struggles over the course of time, if i could create such a thing, an endless recording of my life; it would be over hours and hours of overthinking. - (trigger warning for frequent, graphic descr...
