everything changes (but we all stay the same)

chapter one: the flutter of spirit

i know that you may read this,
and you already know who you are.

i am too cowardly to say it to your face,
but i truly am sorry for every thing i've done
since we broke up.

i was a monster.

you never deserved to feel that pain,
that fear,

fear that i brought upon you
because i had become obsessed with you.

you began warping and changing in my head,
until you became the personification of my hatred,
my pain,
and my desolation.

i projected my insecurities onto you,
i shifted all of my anger and frustrations toward you,
and i could never stop thinking about you.

i managed to find your social media accounts,
(and i still, truly, cannot remember how i found them)
and i would often find myself cyberstalking those accounts,
because i wanted to see how much better off you were without me.

i was such a fucking monster,
and no words in existence could ever describe how much shame,
regret,
and guilt i feel for how i acted.

i don't want to blame my actions on my psychosis,
because nothing could justify those actions i made.

i am so,
so,
so fucking sorry.

i don't think i ever stopped caring for you,
and i truly believe that i never stopped loving you.

crushes turned to admiration,
admiration turned to adoration,
and adoration turned to love.

love turned to betrayal,
betrayal turned to agony,
and agony turned to anger.

but then, over time,
i started to forgive you.

we decided to talk things out,
and i was terrified of what you would think of me.
of the fear i knew i brought to you.

but, here we are today.
we are friends again,
and somehow,
you have forgiven me
(partially, i believe).

i feel that our spirits are truly connected,
our souls are intertwined in a way that can't be explained.
(could it be the trauma? well, who knows.)

and now, the forgiveness and remorse
has turned to gratefulness,
and the gratefulness turned into a love
that one feels only for someone who they truly do care about.

this love is not about relationships,
or family bonds,
or platonic appreciation.

i... actually don't know how i can describe this kind of love.

i'm not asking for a second chance,
i'm not asking you to date me,
and this isn't a confession.

but between you and me,
i wouldn't mind if we got back together.

all i care about is your health,
comfort,
and happiness.

whatever makes you happy,
will make me just as happy for you.